She's sweet, but she's fucked up

I'm bored therefore I blog

2005-11-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Alternative title: I'm self amused therefore I blog

It's raining right now and I just want to go to sleep. But I can't b/c they don't like that so much here. At my job.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones are silly:

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas struggle to communicate, because he can't understand her Welsh accent. The Fatal Attraction star is so flummoxed by his wife's broad tones, he believes she is speaking Welsh when she is actually speaking English. She says, "I always go back to my strong Welsh accent. Michael thinks I'm speaking Welsh. He says, 'That's a beautiful language, you should speak Welsh more often.' I have to tell him I am speaking English!"

I don't know why that made me laugh but I can picture them telling the story, their funny little anecdote for parties and appearances on Inside the Actors Studio.

So I just turned 26 and I don't know if that's even relevant to my freaking out about what I want to do w/ my life (yawn) or just extraneous information but I am 26 and I'm still the same as when I was 25 or 24 or 23...but prob not 22 or 21. I was still in college then. Or maybe I'm not and I just don't know it. I can't keep interest in anything I do. As I've done many times before, I'm once again in my "I want to be a writer" phase except for a couple problems. 1) I can't write. I mean, yes, I can technically "write", but not well. And not anything worthy of reading. 2) I have no follow through. None whatsoever. I will give this up, I guarantee you, in 4-5 days. And I will completely forget about it until the next time I decide to be a writer. 3) I don't know if I necessarily like writing. I get bored easily and after an hour, I'm ready to quit and do something else.

I think I have ADD. Self diagnosed.

I also want to be an artist but I can't draw or paint. Can't be a musician b/c I can't sing or play an instrument. Can't be a doctor b/c I didn't go to medical school. And I can't think of anything else right now. I think it's b/c I'm hungry.

I told myself that I wasn't going to blog anymore, I don't really know why. But I had to when I found myself about to post all of this in a myspace bulletin.
Reagan

What you gon’ do with all that junk?

2005-11-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

I told myself I would never blog again. And then Tuesday November 1st happened. Nothing actually happened and that's the problem. I'm bored. I'm desperately reaching out to any friend who might also be bored and who might possibly entertain me. Or listen (aka read their email/IM) to me entertain myself. I don't need a big audience, just one person. Someone to type the occasional "ha ha" or "lol" even if they're not really laughing.

Do you like my church sign above? Yes, it's true, I can't get "My Humps" out of my head. Do you want to make your own sign? You can do it. Just click here.

My friend Dave created one that reads: "No Jews Allowed: You Killed Jesus...Remember?" He can say that b/c he's Jewish. It's like how I can make as many jokes I want about white people, b/c I'm white. And I do...I make a lot of white people jokes.

I want to be a cowbell player

2005-08-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

It's the only instrument I think I could master.

And I like the sound of it.

Reagan

Staring at the wall

2005-08-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

My IM is down right now. I'm feeling a variety of emotions as a result- boredom, lonliness, anger, confusion, to name a few. I keep trying to sign on over and over again but it's always the same response: The AIM service can't be reached. Bastards.

I'm going to Austin tomorrow. Did I already say that? I forgot to tell anyone I was coming so while I'm just sitting here staring at the wall I decided to alert the masses. By masses, I mean Jessa. I gave up after making one call. I hate talking on the phone, esp to people I will be seeing tomorrow. So maybe I'll just wait and surprise everyone. I'll just show up outside their door and after they finish screaming/crying/jumping up and down with joy, we'll hang out hardcore.

Now I have to call someone to tell them that someone else is not a vegan. I don't know why, it's just what I have to do. It's a work thing.
R.

Longview...more like Lame-view

2005-08-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me the following article via email with the subject title: Do you know this girl? No, I don't, but seriously- my hometown is lame. l-a-m-e. They wrote an entire article about a girl who is simply going to a town four hours a way to try out for American Idol. Did she make the cut? Nope. Just auditioning. Like thousands of other people. She is not special whatsoever.

Some Longview residents are hopeful the next "American Idol" will be the girl next door – literally.

Michelle Muckleroy, a teller at Telco Plus Credit Union on Gilmer Road, will travel to Austin next week for a chance to audition for Fox's hit reality television program's fifth season.

Muckleroy, a 1997 Pine Tree High School graduate, said her love of singing and a good time prompted her to throw her hat into the ring – or her voice onto the stage.

"It was just: Hey, what the heck? Go try it out," the 26-year-old aspiring singer said. "The reason why I'm doing it, it's something fun to do No. 1, and I would love to sing. I would love to perform. I don't mind being the center of attention."

She's had no formal training but was in school choirs since the third grade. She also sings karaoke from time to time and is asked to perform the National Anthem at work-related events.

She said her favorite tunes to sing are by country artists – Faith Hill, Martina McBride and others. Her song of choice for the audition, which must be done a cappella, is Alanis Morissette's "Ironic."

"She sings it pretty wild. That's not me, so I'm going to tame it down," Muckleroy said.

Co-worker Tammy Byrnes said Muckleroy has a shot at going all the way because she's a talented go-getter.

"She has a great voice. We think she'll do fine," Byrnes said. "Lots of people have dreams but she's one who has kind of pursued hers."

I'm not even going to link to this, don't want to bother. The Longview News Journal will never know.

Stuff.

2005-08-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

I just ate a quesadilla faster than I ever have in my life. And no one is here to be impressed. Of course, if someone were here, I prob would have eaten it in a more lady like fashion (aka no binge eating). I like to maintain an image of sophistication and on occasion, glamour.

Undeclared comes out on DVD today. I know this because Judd Apatow wrote me (via mass email to freaksandgeeks.com subscribers) to tell me. I like to think that he personally wrote it to me though- as if he were sitting around and thought, "I bet Reagan would like to know about this." He's sensitive like that. I quasi met him at a screening for 40 year old virgin (quasi=was in his presence) and did I tell him how much I love him? No. Instead I stood there silently like a fucking school girl (is this a common saying?) and muttered one lame sentence, not enough to make him say, "You should come work for me" but it did somehow elicit a "Nice meeting you" even though we were never actually introduced. Judd, if you can hear me, my name is Reagan and it's nice to (quasi) meet you."

Yeah, if I were to re-read what I just wrote I might reconsider posting it, but frankly I don't care. I am an obsessive fan, take it and like it. I'm also having another freak out day. No need to go into detail, if you know me, you know what I'm talking about. But this time I'm referencing 6 feet under and talking about how we're all going to die someday anyway and what does it all matter and blah blah blah. I'm also concerned about the fact that I'm wound pretty fucking tight and I need to find a solution to this problem. Here's what I have so far: 1) Get laid or 2) Get Xanax. Or perhaps both, in no particular order.

I'm going to Austin on Thursday and I can't wait. I have to wait, but I'd rather not. I need my mini break. B/c while my co-workers take week vacations, I take 4 days vacations (incl weekends). Yeah, poor me. Sure there are people starving in the world but I only get a 4 day break from my job. It's such a tragedy, online petition to follow.

Back to work. Hi ho.
R.

p.s. This amused me, but I'm going to try to remember a quote from King of the Hill the other night, said by Dale Gribble to Bill after he joins an all male chorus:
"This chorus is the feces that results when shame eats too much stupidity."
Yeah, I think that's about right.

This is my porn

2005-08-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

If you love Jake like I love Jake (aka a lot) then check out the trailer for Jarhead. It looks fucking awesome.

Blowjobs for bracelets

2005-08-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make: I recently became addicted to MySpace. Not really, but sort of. Basically, I can't stop trying to add friends. I started feeling lame that I only had 6 (including Tom) and in an effort to reassure myself that people do indeed like me, I went on a mission to MySpace the shit out of everyone I've ever known. But that really only lasted maybe a 1/2 hour.

I'm getting a haircut tonight. It's going to look fabulous. Or at least not strung out as is my current style. Kind of fried from too much blow drying, the split ends making it one big frizz ball. Sexy, right? I could completely lie and tell you I look like Kelly LeBrock from Weird Science. I'm about 20 years late on that reference.

OMG. I forgot to tell you (meaning Ashley, who I will IM right after I finish typing this)...I saw the premiere of Degrassi from a few weeks ago last night. It...was...crazy. There's this thing where girls give blow jobs and earn bracelets and Emma starts doing it then gets gonorrhea. I'm serious as shit. Those Canadians don't pussy foot around, they get down to the hard core issues. And this Friday, Jay and Silent Bob will guest star on the show- how weird is that?

Okay, back to work.

Reagan: TV Reviewer Extraordinaire

2005-08-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

To keep inquiring minds updated on my life, I've been recently experiencing symptoms of what I can only determine is a quarter life crisis. I think. Regardless, I've become whinier than usual and am often met w/ the question "What's wrong?" from my bosses at work. I'm the human equivalent of Snuffalufugus (sp?). But not furry and somewhat cute. I'm that bouncing ball before picture on the Zoloft commercials. I am Jack's raging indifference. I could go on but I'll spare you.

On to other more interesting things, I decided to watch two new shows on FX last night and now for your reading pleasure (and my boredom, shocker), I will give you my oft-sought after opinion. If you're looking for a real review, look elsewhere, b/c there will be rambling.

Starved:
A comedy about eating disorders. Genius? Not quite. Daring? Sure, why not. Funny? Not so much. It's like this show was created just to push the boundaries of what normally would not pass on network tv, but FX welcomes with open arms. But here's the thing- shocking does not equal good television. Seeing a cop binge eat chinese food then proceed to purge himself in an alley on what turns out to be a homeless guy may sound kind of humorous when written out (b/c now I'm laughing a little) but when you actually see the dude vomiting (not him bending over, but actual vomit immersing from his mouth) for at least 30 secs, then it's not so hilarious but more gross than anything else. But enough about that, there are other reasons I'm not a fan. So the in the main characters, there's the lead white guy (also writer, producer, director, craft services?), his black friend the cop, his fat white friend, and his female friend who's bisexual and with whom most likely he will eventually begin a relationship. So diverse! But what brings them together is their compulsive overeating/bulemia/anorexia/and other weight issues. It's brilliant! Or just a clever idea that cannot possibly last, especially when they aspire to be on a level of Scrubs-like blending of serious/humorous events. When they play the sad music at the end, I don't really care. I'm only happy b/c I know the show's almost over and it's time for....

It's Always Funny in Philadelphia:
I really can't explain why I like this show, but I do. First off, the title of the pilot was "The Gang Goes Racist" or something like that and it involved several funny situations, one involving a guy dating a black girl just to show the girl he likes that he's NOT racist. Not incredibly original but still funny. The four main characters, again 3 guys and a gal who's just like one of the guys (where are the over emotional needy real women we all know and love?) and they own a bar. So in this first episode, through a series of events it becomes a gay bar and while I won't go into to much detail (too late) one of the characters likes the attention from the men so much in one shot he's wearing a tank top and juggling bottles around like it's fucking Cocktail. It...was...hilarious. There's just something not sitcomy about the show, and it's not just the fact it's a one camera show. It's got that Stella feel in both the way it's shot and in a little bit of the absurdity. In conclusion, Starved bad (ish), It's Always Funny, err, Sunny in Philadelphia good (I could not help myself w/ that fake slip, I honestly tried).

And I'm spent.
R.

Life is like spaghetti...

2005-08-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

Here is a recent IM conversation b/w myself and Ashley (actual IM names have been removed to protect us from any overzealous fans):

reagan: i don't know what i want to do w/ my life.
reagan: and i have way too much spaghetti to eat for lunch.
ashley: life = spaghetti
ashley: funny

So does that mean I don't know what I want to do w/ my spaghetti or that I have way too much life?

Not even going to try to come up with a title

2005-07-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY- I'M SO BORED!

But aren't I always?

Last night I went to some magazine premiere party with my roommate, for something called Vanguard or something that starts with a V. The girl throwing the party, this pretentious art school student without the art school, sent out numerous fliers, Friendster messages, emails, etc about the event and even told the roommate that there would be an open bar. Hence, my reason for going. Weeeelllll....the thing was supposed to start at 10, so of course we got there at 10:15 to take full advantage of the alleged free drinks, b/c let's be honest I'm a whore for free shit. Give me a t-shirt with your shitty website, I'll take it. Free CD for your sucky ass band? Sure, why not. I digress...so we get to Star Shoes, the site of this "party" and what do we find but about 6 people in the bar, not a group of 6, more like 3 sets of 2, none who seem to be celebrating any magazine debut (unless they were doing so silently). I guess this is why showing up fashionably late is necessary- to avoid being the douche who beats the hostess to her own party. After paying $6 for parking, we weren't going home without a fight (or a drink) so we galloped over to Improv Olympic for a drink and watched the other people who weren't stood up by a party mingle. Short story long- we ended up going back to Star Shoes later, there was no open bar whatsoever, and it wasn't even a party but more like one girl with a few post cards advertising the magazine. Moral of this little tale- this is why I don't like leaving the house.

And I'm not stopping there.

Tonight I'm going to my friend Justin's Pajama Jammy Jam but have yet to find/buy any pajamas. I don't own any, save this Felix the Cat get-up my mom bought me a couple of years ago. I like to sleep in old t-shirts and undies, that's just how I roll. So I'm thinking about hitting up Marshall's at lunch to check out their selection of nightwear, but as usual I have no money so it will have to be something under $10. I'm such a fucking broken record- I'm bored, I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm hungry. Jesus Christ, how do my friends not punch me in the face?

Back to doing absolutely nothing.
R.

She's baaaaaaack

2005-07-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's me. I've been slacking on the personal blogging while opting to use the "we" form over at ToTC. I only have so many hours in the day, I can't possibly get it up to do more than one post. But alas, I'm here and I'm bored or I'm bored and I'm here, however you want to look at it.

Today I got an email from Friendster saying they've noticed I haven't visited them in a while. Jesus Christ- I don't even get emails like that from my own mother (of course, she's in Texas and has to pay to fly me back, so the less often the better). I wish I could reply, I'm sure I could, but I know it would go to some anonymous postmaster what-have-you and would really only be funny for about a second.

I'm going to a pool party this weekend and the thought of it is what's been driving me all week. Without it, the future would not look so bright. In preparation, I decided to keep the diet restricted this week, meaning no chips w/ my sandwich. I'm hardcore. But being an idiot I bought that pannido thing from Jack in the Box and later looked up the caloric content online- it was something like 800 calories and 50 fat grams. I wanted to vomit. Too bad I'm not bulemic. Though I hear it doesn't do wonders for your teeth.

I'm reading the best book right now. It's called Blue Angel, by some lady with the last name Prose, which made me think a) of course she became a writer and b) lame. But the book is great, it's kind of erotic in a way, actually in a lot of ways, but I feel myself tense up as I read it. Maybe I'm just sick, but if you've ever seen Lolita and found yourself rooting for her to end up with Humbert Humbert, then you'd like this book. The writing itself is so fucking great, some of the lines I read then just want to tell someone. In fact, this one line I can't remember exactly, it went something like this- I've been taking small sips trying to convince myself I wasn't drinking- but of course better than what I just wrote, anyway I ran in to read it to the roommate and she said that we should put that up somewhere. I guess b/c I like it, for no other reason. I can't really apply it to my actual life in any way.

My time is up.
R.

When did Vince Vaughn get fat?

2005-07-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

I guess he's eating for two (cause, you know, Jen doesn't eat).

R.

Random post about Terry McMillan

2005-07-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does anyone else find it hilarious that Stella got her groove back not with a hot Jamaican who looks like Taye Diggs but with a "scheming fag"? Seriously, if they would remake the movie with these new developments or even make a sequel- How Stella's Groove Was Stolen By a Scheming Fag- I would definitely go see it. And I have to admit, right here, right now, that I actually saw the original in the theater. So strange, why did that happen? Was there nothing else playing? I remember afterwards saying to my friend (I think it was Kelly) "I don't think Stella ever did get her groove back." And I remember thinking I was so funny. Some things never change.

Oh, and I went to Vegas last weekend and lost money. Shocker. I was okay with it but as time passes, I regret some of the decisions I made (i.e. getting drunk and playing video blackjack...very bad idea, it's just so easy to keep hitting that "bet max" button).

R.

Six degrees of who gives a shit

2005-06-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

1. Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Carlton from Fresh Prince). Was in a movie called Seek and Hide, not to be confused with the Dakota Fanning vehicle Hide and Seek. Do you see how they did that, do you see?? Also in Seek and Hide....

2. Lance Bass (aka that guy from N'Sync who wanted to go into space). Was/Is in a movie called Lovewrecked (also with Carlton, they're like the new Ben and Matt...or Bogart and Bacall...oooh or Amos and Andy). Also in Lovewrecked...

3. Chris Carmack (aka Luke from The OC). Will be in the new Lohan movie Just My Luck (which sounds a little like Maid to Order, most underrated movie ever). Also in Just My Luck...

I'm going to stop there b/c I feel like I'm going in circles. I keep seeing the same people over and over and I've only gone through maybe 4 movies. It's like a cult. A really crappy cult.
R.

Things I really really want right now

2005-06-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

1. A teeny tiny dishwasher (via Ashley) They probably hold maybe 4 plates and possibly a cup, but I don't care. They're really fucking cute. Like small puppy cute.

2. Speaking of puppies, I want to rent one for a day. Is there a place you can do that? I don't want the responsibility of a dog, just the fun stuff that comes with it. I would take it to the park then to the Dogiwash. Because let's be honest, I don't even really want to play with it. I just want to put it on the conveyer belt and watch it go. I mean, it has a Mascot (Stuey, pictured above) for crying out loud.

3. Money. So that I can gamble hardcore in Vegas this weekend rather than being relegated to nickel slots. Gotta bet big to win big. Also regarding me and Vegas (or is it Vegas and I?), my friend Dom gave me 2 free tickets to see Weezer/Red Hot Chili Peppers on Saturday. I'm going b/c they're free, not because I really want to hear Rivers Cuomo sing "We are all on drugs" or "Beverly Hills." Rivers, if that's really want to be, then move there. You're rich, I'm sure you can afford a place. I wonder if Anthony Kiedes will wear a kilt, or did he stop doing that in the early 90's?

4. A lover I don't have to love.

5. Candy. Lots of candy. And a lifetime membership in the National Confectioners Association.

I'm taking donations for any of the above.
R.

Why is it....

2005-06-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

that the last hour of work is always the longest?
R.

Hell fucking yeah

2005-06-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Degrassi Second Season DVD Release signing at Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash in Westwood tomorrow. I don't care that I'm outing myself as a fan of a Canadian teen soap opera-esque show. What I do care about is the fact that I can't go and meet Ellie and Marco, two of my favoritest characters, b/c I have to go to some thing for work. It really sucks. I told Ashley to take pictures, which you can bet your ass I'll post on Monday.
R.

Are they gay or are they just Danish?

2005-06-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

Last night's Junior Senior show was awesome, possibly the best show I've been to in a while (or ever). Why? Because I, Reagan, like to dance. Even though dancing sober can cause problems (complete awareness of exactly how bad of a dancer you are, not knowing what to do with your arms, etc) last night I didn't give a fuck. I could hear "Last Dance" playing in the back of my mind, expecting at any moment glitter to fall from the ceiling, a la 1970's disco. While there are many styles of dancing I fail miserably at (hip hop, regular dancing, the watusi) I can disco like nobody's business. I have mastered the art of the clap, I know when to randomly point, I sway back and forth with an intensity Donna Summer only wishes she had. I'm rambling, but you get the point. I'm awesome at disco.

Dude.man.phat's imaginary conversation with Jake G and why it's the best:
1. B/c it involves Jake G.
2. B/c it calls KD ugly (isn't that what busted means?).
3. B/c it's funny.
And I'm not the only one obsessed...I head 7 responses to my Jake the Surfer post (even if 2 of them were from me).

Blaggblogg rips on artists (or people who call themselves artists). I wonder what he thought of this. (I just linked to myself...lamest. moment. ever.)

I'm about to buy tickets to see Brendan Benson at the El Rey in July. Sure, I'm poor, can't afford to eat or pay bills, but I HAVE to buy this ticket. How else is he going to see me standing awkwardly in the audience and invite me on to his tour bus to make out.

Bloc Party on NPR.
R.

Dear Diary

2005-06-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm going to see Junior Senior at Spaceland. Those danes (?) are crazy!

In my dream last night, I had a baby. Not that I "had" a baby as in gave birth to one, but more like poof, I have a baby. And I kept misplacing it. What does that mean? I even almost rolled over it, it was sleeping beside me but I forgot it was there. Then I think it started talking. Yes, that's when thing got weird.

Ashley has come up with a great new dieting idea. She calls it "the gb diet" which means you eat like you've had gastric bypass surgery without actually getting the surgery. I think they can have like one ounce of food per meal or something like that. No wonder Nicole Richie is so freaking thin, her lover DJ AM's on the gb diet (but for real) so she prob doesn't want to feel like a fat ass.

Yesterday my boredom was entertaining. Today it's a different story. It's so quiet in my office. Like the kind of quiet that in a horror movie would imply impending doom. If the lights were off, I'd be a little scared.

I'm way too picky. I need to lower my standards. At least I need to assess my level of hottness and try to find someone who fits within the upper eschalon of its limits. Basically, find the hottest guy that I can plausibly get. Oh, but he has to be funny and nice too. Maybe I need to give up one of those demands. Okay, he doesn't have to be nice.

I'm going to Vegas for the fourth of July. I have no money, so this is probably a bad idea. But I'm really good at having bad ideas. Speaking of...in order to make some extra cash to help me live the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed (barely middle-class), I'm going to start working the Promenade on the weekends with a table where people can take their picture with me. Why? Just because. I might even make t-shirts (aka use magic marker to write on the cheapest white tee I can buy). The tourists will eat. it. up.

I'm wearing a pretty pink skirt today. I feel like a princess. Who's been foreced into assistant slavery.

I need more IM friends so that there is a never a dull moment.
R.

I love him so much

2005-06-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ashley was so right, it's pictures like these that make me love pink is the new blog.

The title is for Emily. I hope she gets it. If not, it can work as a stand alone, even without the reference.

Bored and (kind of) loving it

2005-06-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

.

(via defamer)

I can't help that funny things keep happening to Tom Cruise. First Scientology, then sucking off Katie's face, now being squirted in the face by a fake microphone. That's right Tom- close your eyes or fear the wrath of the water.

I'm slightly enjoying tossing all responsibility aside and deciding to blog, email, doodle on notebook paper instead. Not that I have much responsibility, but I decided Monday would be "me" day even if I am still at work. Here are the things I'm thinking right now:

1. I'm going to start playing the field. I don't know what field that is, or where to find it, but when I do, I will play the hell out of it.
2. I want to go to more concerts. After Rilo Kiley last night, I've decided it's time to spend money on shows rather than drinking and clothes. Tomorrow I will go to Junior Senior at Spaceland. And I will not change my mind b/c I'm "tired" from working all day. That's a bullshit excuse and I know it.
3. I'm thinking about something funny I said on Saturday and laughing at myself. Literally, shaking my head as to say, "Oh Reagan". I get a kick out of myself sometimes (by sometimes I mean all the time)
4. I'm singing a song in my head but I have no idea what it is. It doesn't have real words, only a mumbled tune.

Now what should I talk about...hmmmmm.....how about the funny heading on IMDB: DiCaprio's Face Slashed by Madwoman. Maybe I'm a terrible person, but it makes me laugh. Not the act persay, but the headline. It's just so dramatic- slashed. Please.

Movies you should see:
1. Batman Begins

Movies you shouldn't see (according to someone else who is not me):
1. Danny Deckchair

I'm so shallow. I can't blame myself. Society has made me this way. Why else would the first question out of my mouth be "Is he cute?" no matter who it is or what we're talking about. Now I'm shaking my head as to say "Oh Reagan" but not in a good way.
R.

I will eat your face

2005-06-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

(I don't know how to resize....I am stupid)

R.

I'm hopped up on Claritin

2005-06-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Symptoms: sore throat, light headedness, sporadic chills, soreness in neck
Diagnosis: possibly allergies, the flu, bubonic plague

I'm going to watch the MTV Movie Awards tonight like it's the fucking Oscars. By that, I mean I will sit down with friends or friend or alone and provide commentary that rivals that of Melissa Rivers or dare I say, Star Jones. I don't really care who wins, I don't even know the categories, but I think Katie brings Tom onstage to reiterate their love (of publicity) and I just can't miss that. I don't want to be left out at the water cooler tomorrow. Except that it will be just me at the water cooler- everyone else in my office is either old or mature or doesn't drink water.

I'm going to the beach this weekend even though the weather says it will be "mostly cloudy". It's always mostly cloudy. Every weekend, anytime I want to leave my apt, you look up and see what else? Clouds. Mostly.

I never think I have that many friends until I realize how many bday parties/dinners I've attended this season. Maybe they just invite me b/c they think I'll give them a present. Oh how wrong they are, suckers! I might get you a card...or make you one. Or just say "Happy Birthday" followed on occasion with "Next drink is on me". But it never is.
R.

Back from hiatus

2005-06-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

(via a socialite's life)

Five things going through Hayden's pretty little head as he posed for this pic:
1. I'm so man-pretty it hurts.
2. I'm Anakin Skywalker, who the fuck are you?
3. I like boys.
4. This turtleneck is choking me.
5. Wait- who put me in a fucking turtleneck?

Bravado Incognito

2005-06-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I fell in love with my bartender. It happened so fast, in my head I just kept going "this crazy, this is crazy" but my heart took over and told me "go ahead, get another drink, maybe this time you'll talk to him". But I didn't. I just stood there, kind of smiling, waiting as he made my drink, then saying "Thank you" in my oh-my-god-that-girl-is-so-fucking-adorable voice that you just have to love me. It's kind of sickening. When I closed my tab, I contemplated being sly and just writing my phone number on the receipt, something I have never done before and most likely will never do b/c 1) I don't have the balls and 2) I'm not so sure, but is it pathetic? I can't take any chances.

Okay, I didn't realize they arrested Christian Slater, like took him away in handcuffs arrested him? (via just jared) I thought the lady with the ass that was (allegedly) grabbed just made a complaint. You know, a little paperwork, some money exchanged, problem solved. It worked with Michael Jackson (the first time).

Mary-Kate looks like shit (via a socialite's life). And she don't give a fuck.

There really is a website for everything....even something as mundane as celebrities eating (via lindsayism). Who am I kidding? I will look at every picture like a goddamned curator.

Today is Ashley's birthday, so....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ASHLEY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

(I'm not original)

Tonight we're going to the White Horse for an evening of "drinking a few (or many) alcoholic beverages, and basically participating in an entire night of debaucherous awesomeness." I can't wait. AND the next day it's fun at the beach for Birthday Wars: Revenge of the Beach, Episode II. This time, however, I will not burn the hell out of my back (it's still an odd shade of brown thanks to my last beach venture...damn you SPF 4!!!)
R.

Doll Graveyard

2005-06-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

Check it out...the director of the film I worked on when I first moved to LA started a blog. Funny, but the picture of him has to be at least 15 years old (he's the one who's NOT a doll). This guy's got the low budget/straight to video horror genre by the balls, I think he's produced like 250 movies or something, including the classic Puppetmasters. And the infamous (to only me) Dr. Moreau's House of Pain, on which I served as 2nd AD (promoted from PA, if that gives you any idea of the crack pot production they were running). Thanks to this film, I now have the best story ever of my first job in LA...which involved picking up a midget at the airport b/c the producer who was going to originally got into a bar fight with some Armenians the night before and injured his eye...his good eye (the other one lived permanently under an eye patch). So I'm at the airport waiting for the midget and I notice that the "professinal" drivers are all holding signs. I then scribble the actor's name on a piece of notebook paper, b/c I wanted to seem professional too and I didn't know if it was rude to assume that he would be the only midget in the airport. Eventually he glides down the escalator, but keeps walking past me b/c he can't read the sign (again, it's written on notebook paper...and in pencil). I kind of panic, wondering if that's my midget or just another midget who happened to be on the same flight (it could happen). Finally I just yell out his name hoping it's him and if not then I'm just some weird girl screaming out a name to no one in particular...and he turns around and takes a closer look at the sign that I'm still holding with two hands like a fucking dumbass. I kind of just nudge it towards him, as to say, "Is this you?" in case it's not actually him and he was just responding to the random girl shouting, you know how people like to stare at the crazies (I do). And that's my story. The end. It's much better in person, but you'll never know that version. Or maybe you already do and you remember how awesome it was. Or maybe you didn't like it b/c it's negative towards midgets. It's not really, people just tend to think "Oooh, funny story" when they hear the word midget. I can't change society's perceptions.
R.

US Weekly calls it as they (sort of) see it

2005-06-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

Healthy.

Not healthy.

Yes, the difference b/w the two is shocking! (insert sarcasm here)

One week they're putting Jessica in the category w/ the other anorexics Mary-Kate, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicole Richie (and on occassion, a little Kate Bosworth). The next week they're touting that they have her bikini body secrets (surprisingly not eating and vomiting did not make the list). So what is it US Weekly? I need to know so I can effectively feel bad about myself without any confusion on the matter.
R.

Things that make you go hmmm....

2005-06-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Nice C & C Music Factory reference Reagan. Why, thank you.

So I ended up watching a Surreal Life marathon this weekend (yes, while I was on vacation, I'm pathetic) and damn if it didn't suck me into their sick little reality. Even days after the fact, I still can't quite make sense of Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight's relationship and I'm ashamed I've even tried. To make sense of it, that is. It's funny b/c with the many things you can say about it (the age difference, she's a top model he's a Brady, it's just weird) the thing that bothers me the most is that she's taller than him. I can take ugly people dating pretty people, interracial dating, even celebrities dating regular citizens- but if the girl is taller, uh uh, won't work. Makes me want to puke. Not really, I'm exaggerating. Luckily, I don't have that problem so much, being all of 5'5". Plus, me likey the 6 footers.

Speaking of weird, I watched Chaotic again this week and honestly, it's like I can't just watch it I actually think about it...and repeat many times over "I just don't get it" like fucking Rain Man (sometimes holding knees to chest and rocking is involved). Watching Britney try to wax analytical and Kevin respond as if he's Helen Keller learning how to say "water" makes my mind operate as if it were trying to figure out the formula for rice cakes (they're like cardboard, but edible!).

Another thing that just drives me insane is when I have work to do and I don't want to do it. Or when my boss assumes I'm just sitting here waiting to service her (he he service) when in all actuality I have my own shit to do (i.e. blogging, reading the internet, IM'ing friends, staring at the wall). Working is overrated. I would just say fuck it but I don't think I could survive as a homeless person. I like my showers and regular meals. And my television. And my bed. And drinking not out of a bag but rather in a bar, on a stool or at a table, either way, I'm fine, it works, as long as there is a drink in front of me. I can't wait for the weekend.
R.

Grandpa, is that you?

2005-05-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

Deep Throat's identity revealed.
And suprisingly, it's not this guy.
R.

You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life

2005-05-31T00:45:00.000-07:00

Weddings (like the one I went to in Baltimore this weekend, hence my writing the following) always result in me having one of two reactions- 1) I never want to get married (re: your wedding sucked) or 2) What am I doing with my life? (re: maybe I do want to get married, but instead of thinking about that I'll think about other things I need to fix in my life- some call it "transference"). Basically, weddings leave me not with a warm and fuzzy/lovey dovey/happy feeling but with a feeling more akin to indigestion. It's sweet, I know. As usual, I made a list of things to change in my life but this time I'm going to throw it away rather than ignore it, b/c I'm not ignoring it if it's not there. See how I did that- I'm tricky. Plus, #8 was stop being self reflective so it kind of makes the list null and void.

And now I'll do that thing where I take things other people posted first and add a little touch o' Reagan to it. You know you like it.

Christian Slater accused of groping
The actor, 35, was arrested and charged with third-degree sexual abuse after a woman pointed him out to police and accused him of grabbing her rear at around 2 a.m.
Third-degree...is that like third base? If so, this must have been one intese ass grabbing. I'm not trying to insult the women's lib movement or anything, but c'mon lady, people grab asses all the time, you should be happy it was Christian Slater and not your run of the mill creepy drunk guy (who never called me....). At least w/ this groping, you've got a story to tell at dinner parties.

I am a bad stalker
I had no idea that Mark Ruffalo & Jake Gyllenhaal will be starring in David Fincher's new movie. Seriously, the link I've attached is from April 19th...that's over a month ago (if you can't figure it out for yourself aka don't count or aka don't care, it's actually 42 days to be exact). That's 42 days I've missed creating fantasy scenarios in my head where Mark and Jake fight over who gets to make out with me. In these imaginary situations, they both win (it's a little thing I like to call "sharing"...perhaps your mother taught you about it when you were 3? but with toys, not letting people stick their tongue down your throat)

Whoops, you know what the music means
God bless you goldenfiddle for your Dr. Katz post. I read it and I laughed. Just a little. On the inside. I used to watch the show semi-religiously until the wavy animation started making me sea sick.

Reagan- super blogger?
Yes, the rumors are true. As of tomorrow, I will be taking over the LA side of TOTC. I love that Joey described me as a "a Jake Gyllenhaal enthusiast". I guess "lazy pyscho fan" felt a little judgemental. Do not fear, my ridiculously large fan base (aka you and you)- I will still post sh*t here as well. B/c if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I have enough boredom to spread around.

Hayden Christensen gets tipsy (via a socialite's life)
Ain't no shame in that game. And by that game, I mean me taking advantage of Anakin when he's passed out drunk. If that guy on the left didn't get to him first.

Girls I want to be really really in love with...
Dude.man.phat- you're my new blog crush. I'm sure you're ecstatic, laying on your back right now kicking your feet in the air w/ glee. Think Ann Margaret in "Bye Bye Birdie" when she finds out that she's going to meet that Elvis like guy...that's what I'm picturing. As usual, I digress- but for reals, this list is f*cking funny. Dakota Fanning...Yu-gi-oh...dude.man.phat, you kill me!

Brunettes are better than blondes. It's a fact. Been sayin' it for years.

Yours truly,
R.

The bitch must die

2005-05-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

+

=

new couple? (via my coworker)

My feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie "Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story". And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. "You think that I'm afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I'm just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, 'cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I'll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! 'Cause if I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I'll take my two bare hands and I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya!

Love,
R.

Addendum: This is a joke. I don't want to get arrested for threatening Mischa Barton's life.

Best. Evite. Ever.

2005-05-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

SANDWICH EVENT

Listen, I'm gonna be going to Wendy's this Sunday to get a sandwich (probably a "big bacon classic") and maybe a frosty. I'll be there for about forty minutes -- eating and watching other people eat. It should be a good time as usual. Who else is in?

(via my friend Guiseppe)

Sucks I won't be here.
R.

My name is not Michael Vaughn....

2005-05-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dun dun dunnnnnn. Okay, so I don't even watch Alias. Well, I used to, for about 3 episodes two years ago before Arrested Development premiered and took over that time slot in my Sunday night life. But last night I had a friend over who watches the show so I said, "Sure, we can watch it" b/c I'm not a complete a**hole. I know how important a finale is to an avid fan. I didn't really pay attention to most of the episode, seeing as how I had no idea of the current storyline (zombies?) or characters (Samantha's lesbian lover from Sex and the City?). But then during the last five minutes I decided to watch...b/c I love a good cliffhanger and wanted to see what was going to happen. Our thoughts: Jennifer Garner aka Sydney aka really Jennifer Garner would say she's pregnant. B/c how is she going to hide that next season? This isn't Will & Grace- you can't stand behind a couch and hope no one notices the extra 20 lbs bulging from your stomach. Nope, Sydney can't casually hide behind a counter and say "I would kick your a** but I have to carry this bag of groceries placed discretely in front of my stomach and I really can't put it down". Did you see that fight with her sister? You can't do that w/ a baby on board. I digress...so in the last five minutes, Sydney & Michael are driving on the PCH, talking about getting married (congratulations you guys!), when Michael decides to reveal some secret (this is where it gets complicated, he's talking about something from season 1 and I'm completely lost) but then (this is the best part, the reason I even wrote anything in the first place) then he says "My name is not Michael Vaughn" then BAM! A truck crashes right into their car. Cut to black- the end. It. was. awesome. Being the jumpy person that I am (I was once scared by the sight of my own shadow, true story), I screamed so f*cking loud that I had to go outside and warn the neighbors that no one had just been murdered in my apartment. Sure, no one had come outside or even seemed to care about my blood curdling scream, but I decided to say (to no one in particular) "Everything's okay, nothing to see here". To end this long rant- I now have to watch Alias next season. Damn you ABC and you're cliffhangers. Damn you to hell!
R.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

2005-05-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

My boss just informed me that Jake f*cking Gyllenhaal was at the Lords of Dogtown premiere last night. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Seriously, I think I might cry. Why do I care (it's not the first time I've missed a Jake G. encounter)? Because...I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! But noooooo...tickets were reserved for more important people...like Fred Durst and Alexis Arquette. Oh god, and the f*cking Willis daughters! It hurts so much....

Mastering interpersonal skills (via my blog is poop). It's funny b/c it's true! I've listed my favorite techniques below...now I'll never look like an a**hole even when I really have no idea who you are (I can't help that I drink a lot).
- When introducing two people, stop halfway and let them do the rest. Example: Oh Lindsay, I'd like you to meet... (exaggerated swallow/cough)
At this point, the person will instinctively introduce themselves to save you. "I'm Tim, nice to meet you." Saved.
- Act genuinely happy to see the person. Accentuate this with an overexaggerated "Heyyyyy, it's great to see you!" If you're that thrilled to see them there's no way that you could've possibly forgotten their name.
- Don't say hi to anybody. Just start talking. This works well for the over confident and the creepy alike.

Reagan misses last night's episode of Chaotic- Chaotic risks being cancelled. (via goldenfiddle) Yes, the two are directly related.

Confirmed: Lindsay Lohan NOT in MI3. (via the d list). Her misery (I'm assuming she's heartbroken, it's funnier that way) brings me joy. Pathetic? Yes. Do I care? Not so much. I'm feel like one of those girls in high school who's nice to your face then talks about you behind your back. Minus the nice to your face thing.

Justin Timberlake pulling a Dicaprio. In other words- he's getting fat. You know, like Leonardo did a few years ago. Get it? Not my best post. (via the d list...again)

Immoderation's take on The Ten Commandements
No attempt at witty commentary necessary...just see for yourself. I think it's hilarious, if that means anything to you.

To end this post, I would like to tell you a little story about a girl who is 25 going on 50. No, she is not wise beyond her years. But she does get tired around 9 pm every night. And having even one margerita is enough to send her into a coma. AND she has seen an episode or two of Two and a Half Men...and laughed. I don't really have a point. I'm just saying- she ain't getting any younger.
R.

Oprah: After the Show

2005-05-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

So I missed the Tom Cruise/Oprah mash up yesterday, but I feel like I got the gist of it when I caught a few clips on The Insider after work. Warning: I'm about to state the obvious- Tom Cruise is crazy. Not crazy like "Tom, you so crazy!" (wow...did I really just write that?) but more like "Mr. Cruise, please insert both arms into the straight jacket and we won't use electroshock therapy on your crazy a**". In short: he's mentally insane. Despite my efforts, defamer sums it up much better than I ever could:
It was like any other hour spent with someone hell-bent on physically expressing their “love”: there is sweating, uncontrollable yelping, wrestling, the liberal abuse of furniture, the twisting of bodies into extremely uncomfortable positions, more wrestling, and moments of seeming forced imprisonment. After it’s all over, you can’t look each other in the eye and there’s an overwhelming urge to collapse in the bottom of a shower in the fetal position, gently rocking yourself into blissful catatonia as icy water washes the whole thing away.
And the final Tom Cruise thing, I promise...Do not attempt to pet the Cruise

A few days/weeks/months ago (I have no sense of time elapsing) I mentioned that I find it hot when two guys kiss. With this being said, is anyone really surprised that I can't wait for Brokeback Mountain? Even though I doubt it will show my sweet Jake G. and Heath Ledger getting it on, the sexual tension alone will be enough to wet my palette.

And the winner for best post title re: Phil Spector's crazy court up do: phil spector's wall of hair (aka why i could not be an impartial juror)...
Runner up: At least he didn't show up in pajamas
*no actual prizes will be given for this contest

Kelly Osbourne: missing the band wagon on hating Britney Spears (pssst...we love her now b/c she's trashy and not afraid to show it):

jj071: Who's the most overrated singer in the industry?

Kelly_Osbourne: Probably Britney Spears!

(note to Kelly: you are not the first person to say this, no exclamation point necessary)

She's also a genuis:

Trashaddict: Hi Kelly! You're in London promoting your new album and I saw you on TV this morning... what is it like being famous?

Kelly_Osbourne: I don't know...it's a hard question to answer... That's like saying, what's it like to have blonde hair!...There's a million answers!!

(For the answer to "what's it like to have blonde hair?" scroll down to bottom of page)

My nominee for the next poet laureate: Eminem
“Mary-Kate and Ashley used to be so wholesome / Now they’re getting older / They’re starting to grow bum bums.”
Bum bums...really Marshall? This will make an easy transition to Kidz Bop.
R.

*answer: incredible (we would also accept "awesome")

I am a karoake whore

2005-05-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. On Friday night, I once again went on a karaoke binge, singing 4 songs in the span of 4 hours. That's one song an hour (I am a math whiz). I began the night w/ "I will survive" a song that has never before been used in karaoke, but I decided to be risky and let my inner Gloria Gaynor come out. And come out she did, in the version of mid 20's whitey with a deluded confidence and the rhythm of a clumsy one legged blind girl. And I didn't stop there...I went on to sing "Milkshake" after some a**hole stole "Toxic" from Thesy and myself (I rarely do solos...I like to spread the embarassment amongst two people). I hate to say it, but my milkshake did not bring the boys to the yard...it only made one shout "make out!" and another join in with "yeah!". So we kissed...I'm just kidding! We only freaked a little, b/c I'm a karaoke whore, that's what karaoke whore's do. Plus, we had to keep the attention of our audience of two, no one else gave a sh*t. And finally, I crooned "It's the end of the world as we know it" w/ Lisa b/c during a strange point in her life she learned all the lyrics to the first half of the song and finally had the chance to show the world (or the remaining 8 people in the bar). I contributed very little during this performance...I think I said "it starts w/ an earthquake" and then later the obvious "Leonard Bernstein". Of course, I danced, if bouncing around and slightly bobbing your head counts as dancing. I don't think it does, I think that make actually be considererd seizing, but whatever works I just go with it. In the great words of the Beasties- "let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low, that is the tempo".

Saturday, I got a massage...my first ever...and you know what I realized? I don't like massages. They hurt like hell. How am I supposed to be relaxed when I'm tense the entire time worried that she'll do that thing with the elbow again? I couldn't help laughing (later when I was alone in my car) when I laid down on the massage table and meakly told the masseuse, "This is my first time, be gentle" b/c it's the only way I could think to phrase it. I promise I wasn't trying to make a lame joke, the equivalent of "I promised myself I wouldn't cry." After that, I got my hair cut and dyed, another first time for me, not dying it at home myself. I hate the haircut and the dye is okay, I guess (I went for the color of Reese Witherspoon's in "Walk the Line") but it's a little too much red, I only wanted a hint of red. Like when the light hits it and you go "Oh, red". Like that. Anyway, the response has been that people like it, my boss said it's a more mature look, but frankly I'm not mature so I don't know if it fits me. Nevertheless, new look=new Reagan. I want to be less uptight. Period. End of (boring) story.

I wish I were as clever as other people, but since I am not, I will just post random things from other blogs...

Where's Beyonce?
I prefer scenes where you have to find Beyonce at the fair or Beyonce at the beach, this one is kind of boring. (via a socialite's life)

One year old arrested
He might look innocent, you know, b/c he's one and has that whole "I can't speak, I just stare and drool" thing going for him, but I'm pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing. Plus, I heard he has a drinking problem. (via immoderation)

I think I just went permanently blind
It took me a few seconds to realize this was Jack Osbourne and not some random creepy biker dude. You know he's one tough mother when he has a smiley face drawn on his knee in what looks like magic marker...you know that sh*t can be permanent. (via the d list)

Seperated at birth
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....ha ha ha ha ha (via the d list ...again)

R.

It's Tom Cruise like you've never seen him before!

2005-05-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

No, I've seen him act crazy/annoying before. Maybe I'm becoming too involved in the lives of celebrities, but everytime I see a preview for today's Oprah, w/ Tom Cruise saying "I'm in love" and then "surprise guest" Katie Holmes coming out and Tom pressing his forehead to hers to express said love and then the kissing, oh god, the kissing, I get pissed off. Like really pissed off. I just want to scream "Cut the crap Tom!" but I don't b/c that would be weird. I mean, it's one thing to not hide your relationship from the media, but this is ridiculous. He's going to feel really stupid when they break up in a month (after War of the Worlds opens...oh no she didn't just say that!). Or maybe they won't, maybe they'll get married, have real kids (not adopted ones like he did w/ Nicole), and stay together until one of them gets old (prob Tom since he's got a headstart) and dies, just to prove me wrong.
R.

What I am to you is not real

2005-05-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do is go hiking and listen to Damien Rice. It clears my head...I don't know if it's the hiking, the Damien, or the combination but it works. Even if I'm having the sh*ttiest of days, I cannot remain in a pissed off mental state when I reach the top and can see the entire city through a lovely haze of smog. I can't describe it really...not in any poetic way that would do it justice. It's just one of those things.

Last night I somehow in my sleep pulled a muscle in my shoulder/back and it kept me up forever just trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. I don't know how this happened as I've had the same position for most of my 25 years- on my left side, arm under my pillow, and another pillow tucked between my legs- it's never let me down...until now. So I had to lay on my back w/ no pillow while simultaneously trying to massage my own shoulders. Do you know difficult that is, giving yourself a massage? It doesn't quite have the same effect as when someone else does it.

Emily just IM'ed me the funniest thing our friend Jon Mark said the other day and now I'm going to post it, mainly b/c it makes me laugh and I miss him a lot when I hear things like this:

He was talking about how he got his mom to call the superintendent of a school he applied with so he might get the job and he goes "Call me Dr. Nepotism but I didn't got to nepotism school for 8 years to be called Mr."

Also, she just informed me that he, Dustin, and Daniel are recording a rap song. Since you have no idea who these guys are, let me just say- they're not rappers. No offense guys, I'm sure it will be awesome.

I'm contemplating asking my coworker who saw Star Wars yesterday how Anakin becomes Darth Vader...b/c I'm sort of curious and don't think I'll actually go see the movie.

I find this hilarious: F-word costs TV guy a job

TV reporter Arthur Chi'en was canned by WCBS/Ch. 2 yesterday after he shouted the F-word at two meddlers who horned in on his live shot.

Now you'll never anchor the 6 pm news...never! Mu wah ha ha.

Do I find Logan Marshall Green aka Trey on the OC attractive simply b/c he's on TV? Or is it b/c I'm tired of looking at Ryan and Seth so I welcome any new face (minus Zack)? Whatever it is, I'm probably the only one out there who took his side after he accosted Marisa. As I said several times last night, "He was hopped up on coke, he didn't know what he was doing!" ("hopped up"- since when do I say things like this). Even when he almost bashed Ryan's head in w/ a telephone, I still had his back. "It was self-defense!" "He's not a bad guy, he just does bad things!" "He's been dealt a bad hand in life!" Wanting to make out w/ someone does crazy things to a girl.
R.

I love you like a man shouldn't love another man

2005-05-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

You wear eyeliner? Oh my god, I wear eyeliner! Let's kiss heterosexually.

Is it weird that sometimes I think it's hot when two guys kiss? (it's what happens after the kiss that can sometimes be a turn off..even though I respect your personal sexual choices, I just have issues with feeling left out). Check out Ewan McGregor & Hayden Christensen being secure in their (im)masculinity. You can watch the moment over and over and over and over until you have to look away b/c a) you're losing your mind, b) you're going cross-eyed, or c) your boss is calling you. Or d) all of the above.

On another completely unrelated note, Mary Kate is scary. I don't mean to be rude, but b*tch needs to get some sun. What? Yeah, you heard me.

R.

I want my network series TV

2005-05-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

With all the network's fall line-ups being announced this week (aka upfronts for those of you in the know), I thought I'd pick out the premises that suck the most to give you a heads up of what not to look forward to airing for 3-6 episodes before being cancelled:

Kitchen Confidential:
Jack Bourdain (Bradley Cooper) is a rock star chef whose drinking, drug use and womanizing ruined his promising culinary career...Expect to learn lots of nasty secrets about what really goes on in the kitchens of your favorite restaurants.
Why it will suck: Maybe it won't...but a rock star chef? It's just another type of celebrity hanger on that I don't give a sh*t about.

Twins:
Mitchee (Sara Gilbert) and Farrah (Molly Stanton) are twins, but they couldn't be any more different. One's a successful business woman. The other's a successful lingerie model. And their cookie mom is Melanie Griffith. How's that for high concept?
Why it will suck: It wouldn't... if it were a series based on the movie. Then I'd def watch.

Close to Home:
Annabeth Chase (Jennifer Finnigan) plays an aggressive prosecutor who also happens to be a be a new mother. CBS promises that the show "tears away the facade of suburbia to reveal that sometimes quiet and tranquil streets can hide the darkest of crimes." Yes. Because that's never been done before.
Why it will suck: Yawn.

Ghost Whisperer:
A young wife (Jennifer Love Hewitt) can talk to dead people. And -- wouldn't you know it? -- the dead people want her help. Sometimes she gets simple directives from her ghostly friends, but other times the messages are confusing. Based on the work of James Van Praagh, all similarities to NBC's "Medium" are entirely intentional.
Why it will suck: Jennifer Love Hewitt. Enough said.

Thick and Thin:
Mary (Jessica Capshaw) used to be overweight, but now she's sassy and slim. She sees herself differently, but her friends and overweight family still can't get beyond the way she used to be. As the embarrassing situations mount, she remembers that losing weight was less about the other people in her life and more about becoming comfortable in her own skin.
Why it will suck: Because they used the words "sassy and slim" in the premise.

Freddie:
Growing up surrounded by women is one thing, living with them as an adult is something else. A young chef/bachelor-around-town (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) find that a house full of females might be more than he can handle when his sister, sister-in-law, niece and grandmother come to live with him after his brother's death.
Why it will suck: Freddie Prinze Jr. Enough said.

Three Wishes:
Amy Grant leads a team of experts into small towns and makes a variety of wishes come true. The Grammy winner helps perform miracles like reuniting families and saving jobs.
Why it will suck: Because this should be on PAX w/ that Billy Ray Cyrus show.

And here are a few of the ones that might not suck (you think at 25 I would have a better vocabulary that doesn't involve using the term "suck" 20 times a day):

My Name is Earl:
A bully and low-rent crook (Jason Lee) wins the lottery and decides to right the wrongs from his past. He may not be the brightest bulb, but he's oddly effective.
Why it may not suck: Because Jason Lee is funny.

How I Met Your Mother:
When Ted's (Josh Radnor) best friend Marshall (Jason Segel) tells him that he's about to propose to his girlfriend Lily (Alyson Hannigan), Ted decides he has to find his own dream woman. He enlists the help of his friend Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), but the quest for true love may be complicated. The series is told in flashbacks narrated by Bob Saget. Yes, Bob Saget.
Why it might not suck: Because Bob Saget is the narrator. And it has Doogie Howser if Bob doesn't do it for you.

Prison Break:
Lincoln Burrows (Dominic Purcell) is on death row for a crime he maintains he didn't commit. His brother Michael (Wentworth Miller) believes him and commits a crime to join his brother in prison. What hoosegow officials don't know is that Michael helped design the prison and he's planning an elaborate escape. It's so elaborate that it will take an entire season to play out.
Why it might not suck: I already expressed my love for Sir Wentworth Miller. Plus, the concept could be cool...if they don't f*ck it up.

Reunion:
This innovative show -- part drama, part mystery -- follows six friends from their 1986 high school reunion through their 20th reunion, with each episode focusing on a seminal event from a year. When 2005 roles around, one of the friends is dead, but which one? And how did they die?
Why it might not suck: I'm just curious as to how this will work. How will they age the actors? I have to know!

The Bedford Diaries:
The most attractive college students and professors on television go to Bedford, a liberal arts school in New York City. There, a provocative Human Behavior and Sexuality class is about to shape the way all faculty and students alike look at the world around them.
Why it might not suck: It's like Kinsey, the series.

Just Legal:
Jay Baruchel ("Undeclared") plays a legal prodigy who can't land the job he wants because of his youth. Naturally, he goes to work for a legendary burn out (Don Johnson) barely making ends meet with a beachfront shingle. They become crusaders for the unjustly wronged, as the old man teaches his protege to become a lawyer and the whelp reminds his mentor of how to live again.
Why it might not suck: I just like Jay Baruchel. Loved him on Undeclared, loved him in Million Dollar Baby, I have to give the kid a chance.

And that's it.
R.

Sarcasm is the refuge of losers

2005-05-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

I randomly watched the last half of the That 70's Show season finale last night. I haven't watched the show in for-e-ver and now I know why...b/c it sucks. It wasn't funny at all. And with Topher leaving the show, now it doesn't have a chance of ever being funny again. Plus they've added some guy named Charlie...I couldn't really tell who he is or what he was doing there but my guess is he's replacing Eric...living in Eric's room so Red and Kitty can still be on the show and Red can still say things like "my foot in your a**" ...hanging out w/ the gang in the basement....making out w/ Donna. It will be like nothing ever changed.

And also last night, when I was at the gym, there were bunches of people crowding in front of the Arclight for Star Wars opening night. There were regular people but also many people dressed in costume: Princess Leias, Wookies, Jedis, those dudes in the white plastic suits, etc. But the best part had to be that a lot of people were crowded around this staged area where two guys were having a light saber fight. No, not actors from the movie, just two guys dressed up like actors from the movie. And I'm pretty positive it was choreographed. You should have seen it...the crowd erupted when loser # 1 jumped over loser # 2's light saber as if they were watching a real sport. I watched for a while, laughing w/ a fellow worker outer, pointing and laughing. I felt like such a bully, using terms such as "dorks" and "losers" and "pathetic". My next move should have been to go down there and start pushing some of the smaller fans over as I made my way through the crowd, just to show that I'm better than them. I should be jealous, I don't have anything I love that passionately. I mean, I really like a lot of things, but not really to the point of worshipping. Even w/ pics of Jake G. displayed in my apt, I still feel like I could do more to become a super fan, the kind of psychotics who post on message boards and write fan letters. Maybe someday...dare to dream.
R.

You finger my trigger then you blame my gun

2005-05-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Joel Stein's pilot "Joint Custody" was not picked up...for the second year in a row. Personally, I thought it was pretty funny. But I think a lot of things are funny. And I'm not a Network Executive. So keeping these two facts in mind, my opinion doesn't really matter.

And now for a story from yesterday:
My coworker asked me to watch her baby while she went into a meeting and I said "yes" b/c I am a nice person and/or too scared to say no and risk being labeled the baby hater. So I'm watching the baby, literally, b/c it's just sleeping and I periodically put my hand to its mouth to make sure it's breathing, thus creating that oh so familiar feeling of paranoia in the mother's absence. The baby eventually wakes up and instead of seeing mommy it sees me and starts crying (a baby has an attention span of about 7 seconds, so it doesn't wake up and think "Oh, that's that other lady that sometimes holds me" but rather "Who the f*ck is that...waaaahhhhhh!!!") I pick her up and carry her around saying "It's okay, it's okay" and patting her on the back as I've seen others do before but she doesn't hear me b/c she's crying so f*cking loud. Finally, she stops screaming (thank god) so I set her on my knee and continue typing an IM I had started before her breakdown... when suddenly she vomits all over the left leg of my pants. The same pants that earlier in the day I had decided to return b/c they're too big. So I pick up the baby and take her to her mom who's still in the meeting b/c puke on me once, shame on you- puke on me twice, shame on me. Plus, she's not my baby. I didn't expel her from my loins so I feel no real connection or obligation. After the hand off, I had to change pants (luckily, I had my work out shorts w/ me) b/c of the overwhelming smell of vomit omitting from my the left lower region of my body. I felt like that kid in the 2nd grade wearing the normal shirt on top and the too big gym sweats on the bottom b/c they pissed their pants. Yep, that was me. To make matters even worse, I was so menstrual that it just escalated the situation from "ha ha a baby puked on me" to "I hate that baby for ruining my pants, I'm going to pout about it for an hour and IM my friends over and over about it and even consider crying". And I swear to you, when my coworker walked the baby by later that day, I glared at it. I would have given it the finger if mommy hadn't been looking. I was that mad. The end.
R.

The All Britney & Kevin Edition

2005-05-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Honestly, what else were you expecting?

Preggers: The Life of Britney Spears
This is so f*cking hilarious. I might watch it again later.
And speaking of hilarious?...I don't even know what to say about last night's debut of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic. Words fail me. Almost. I guess that's what happens when you spend your life touring from a young age...you end up at 23 with the maturity level of an 8 year old. And the intelligence. If there has ever been anything more comparable to a train wreck, I would like to know what it is. Seriously, I stared in disbelief, as if I were watching the f*cking moon landing. Trying to explain/describe last night's show is like me trying to explain quantam physics. Basically, I can't do it. Nevertheless, I watched the show in it's entirety while feasting on delicacies such as cheetos (crunchy and the other kind), KFC, Taco Bell, and Red Bull...then afterwards, watched Brit Brit and K Fed on Ellen (thanks to Ashley and her master recording skills).

The Late Show's Top Ten Reasons to Watch Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's New Show:
10. BRITNEY: There's never-before-seen footage of me wrestling an alligator.
9. KEVIN: Unlike those Desperate Housewives chicks, we're not, like, 60 years old.
8. BRITNEY: It's like American Idol except no one sleeps with Paula Abdul.
7. KEVIN: In the first episode, you can see my ass.
6. BRITNEY: I'm hot.
5. KEVIN: She's hot.
4. BRITNEY & KEVIN: We haven't had nearly enough media coverage.
3. BRITNEY: It's gotta be better than this show.
2. KEVIN: If enough people tune in, maybe my wife will make out with Madonna again.
1. BRITNEY: In the season finale, you'll find out that Dave is the father of my baby - oops.
(via stereogum)

Not one to be biased (I can't help it if a majority of the time everyone else is wrong), here are what some other people thought of Britney/Kevin/the show:

The only thing I kept thinking was how immature Britney really is. She keeps making faces and seems uncomfortable doing simple things like talking or answering questions.
(pink is the new blog referring to Britney on Ellen)

9:12 – aw sad moment, poor lonely britney talks over “everytime” video, I shed a single tear
9:13 – britney hates love, is a “bitter betty” – note to self: add this phrase into my daily vocab
9:17 – its pretty clear britney annoys the living shit out of everyone she knows
9:54 – I am convinced that brintey spends a good 85% of her time giggling
(immoderation during her liveblog)

It was as if I was promised an hour-long trip to Sea World as a child. But just as I showed up, instead of happy and fun, there was no sea, no sea animals and no world. Just a big black sucking hole of unintelligence. Yep. That's about it.
(dude.man.phat compares it to Sea World)

The thing is, we can handle Britney's truth. We just don't want to. In the middle of her short-lived Onyx Hotel tour (and 30 minutes into the show), Britney met backup dancer Kevin. If this project — which would have benefited from the MTV treatment — was meant to paint the happy couple in an endearing light, it, like, totally didn't work, y'all. Britney and her surly future husband appeared to be dumber than we ever imagined.
(ny daily news didn't like it)

it was so bad... but we couldnt turn it off .
(my friend Kathy)

Later y'all.
R.

Can you handle this shirt?

2005-05-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

My friends and fellow Britney & Kevin lovers Randy and Moss have created another t-shirt, this one dedicated to the mesmerizing Mr. Kevin Federline-Spears. You can buy it here.

This just in: my roommate is currently taping Ellen w/ guests Britney & Kevin. Could this day get any better?

R.

Here come the crabs!

2005-05-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to a wedding memorial day weekend in Baltimore (aka Crabtown) and b/c I like to plan ahead, I bought my ticket way in advance, before my friends who said "Yeah, we're going to stay through Monday" but then all decided to leave Sunday instead b/c it was cheaper and now I'm stuck there for a day by myself. I mean, it's not the "by myself" thing that really bothers me, it's the "I have no money" thing that's the problem. So now I'm supposed to pay for a hotel room and entertainment, aka lame a** touristy things? And I'm running out of alternate options, as I will list below:
1. Visit friend Jenny in DC on Sunday night. That was the plan until she decided to go away w/ her boyfriend that weekend. She's getting laid...I'm getting screwed. I'm so clever it hurts.
2. Go to New York for the night. I don't think I want to take a 3 hour train ride there and then back just to save money on a hotel. That would be stupid, no? (I'm French)
3. Change my ticket to Sunday. Sure, there's only a $25 dollar charge to exchange it, but w/ the additional price change I'll owe over $500. Which doesn't really work out so well with the "I have no money" situation. I f*cking hate plane tickets.
4. Fly back stand by on Sunday. What if I wait for hours and don't get on a flight? Essentially, I would be using the airport as a hotel. I would be like a homeless person. I wouldn't be able to shower. I couldn't put on my pajamas. If I happen to have an empty cup sitting beside me while I'm sleeping, someone may even put money in it b/c they feel sorry for me and think I look like a good kid who's on the wrong path. Then I would use the money to buy myself a treat- like ice cream.
5. Per my mom's suggestion, meet someone at the wedding who will let me stay with them. I don't know if she was implying that I whore myself out to the best man for a free night's stay at his apt, but I think I might take her advice. I know hookers who've done a lot worse for less (I don't really know any hookers).
R.

Gloyfades presents: Where are they now? (and do we really care)

2005-05-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and thanks to the crippling pain I'm currently experiencing I cannot even get up from my desk....therefore I will spend the next few moments catching up w/ some former "stars" that never get any credit for their masterful work in the late 80's/early 90's:

Brian Tanner from "Alf" (aka Benji Gregory):
Last seen on an episode of Murphy Brown in 1991. According to his mini-biography, "his three favorite collections are of rocks, shells and Garbage Pail Kids cards". I wonder if this has changed.

Blossom from "Blossom" (aka Mayim Bialik):
Last seen having sex w/ Kirstie Alley's asst on "Fat Actress". Oh yeah, and she's fat now. That doesn't mean we love her any less, it just means there's more of her to love.

Nikki from the original "Saved by the Bell"w/ Ms. Bliss (aka Heather Hopper)
Last seen on "Passions" playing Surrogate Candidate #1...the days of "Troop Beverly Hills" must seem like a dream now, am I right Heather?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere from "Mr. Belvedere" (aka Christopher Hewett)
He died.

Sly from "California Dreams" (aka Michael Cade)
I'm sure he's still out there scheming as usual...they don't call him "Sly" for nothing!
surf dudes with attitudes
feeling groovy
laid back moods
sky above
sand below
good vibrations
feeling mellow
I'm not going to lie, I didn't even have to look up the words (hangs head in shame).

Booker from "Roseanne" (aka George Clooney)
Can't find anything on this guy.

That's it for now.
R.

Nice pants

2005-05-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

So not very long ago I was walking down Melrose when I spotted something v. interesting/funny/weird, so much so that I took a picture w/ my camera phone and I would post that same picture here except that I don't know how to do that (I guess I lied, I am not a computer genius). Anyway, the something I saw was actually two somethings: 1) a pair of pants with a picture of Micheal Jackson painted on the a** w/ "Not guilty" written underneath and 2) another pair of pants with John Lennon's face painted on the crotch. Personally, I think MJ's defense team should buy the pants and bring them in as evidence. Just parade them in front of the jury...they will speak for themselves. I can almost picture the jurors nodding at the sight of such overwhelming evidence, perhaps even juror number 7 will lean to juror number 8 and say, "Well, I guess he didn't do it after all." And as for Lennon, I couldn't think of a better way to honor his legacy than to have his face split down the middle to form the legs of a pair of pants. At least his eyes will remain intact as they are prominently displayed across your nether region.

Can you handle their truth?
Tonight is the debut of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic and in honor of this monumental event, Ashley & I are throwing a Taco Bell, Red Bull, and Cheetos viewing party. I guess it's more of a get together seeing as how there will only be 6 people there. But nevertheless, the commentary will be priceless.

This week is upfronts, which for you non industry people (aka losers) is the week when they announce the new fall TV shedules...and we sadly say good bye to those who won't be returning. Let's take a moment to mourn a few shows that didn't make the team this year:
Blind Justice: While this show had an awesome tag line that only gets better w/ repetition ("He lost his sight but not his vision"...say it three times with me) the premise blew. Maybe if he would have had a talking guide dog....
life as we know it: Sorry Kelly Osbourne, I guess you'll have to go back to making your money the old fashioned way- by selling sh*tty records. You're so punk you don't even care.
Commando Nanny: I don't even remember this show. Did it star Hulk Hogan? Oh wait, I'm thinking of Suburban Commando. Nevermind.
Committed: Who knew that the dying clown living in your closet premise wouldn't catch on?
Father of the Pride: Totally saw this coming.
8 Simple Rules: What? David Spade couldn't save this show? There is no God!

Sometimes being a woman sucks. Like right now. I will never be able to handle giving birth.
R.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "Z"

2005-05-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm depressed today. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's that I didn't sleep well last night. Anyway, in my tradition of self-analyzation and the search for "my problem" I've made a list of things I will no longer do starting....now.
1. Obsess. Over anything. Even if it's important. But especially if it's not (i.e. what to eat for dinner, what to do on a friday night, etc)
2. Talk about how tired I am. I'm pretty sure I have anemia and I should just take an iron pill and shut the f*ck up. But I'm too lazy to go to the doctor and I'm paranoid that if I take iron pills and don't actually have anemia I will die. And that will be embarassing, dying from an iron overdose.
3. Get frustrated. Let's say I'm at work, doing nothing, just sitting here, and my boss asks me to do something very simple (please make one copy of a single piece of paper) or the phone rings- I get frustrated. I even let out an annoyed sigh so that others will know I'm frustrated. It's ridiculous, honestly.
4. Be self conscious. Once and for all I will take advice that has been given to me repeatedly and actually put it into practice. That advice being that I should have more confidence b/c confidence is sexy. B/c frankly my "glass is half empty pessimistic he's probably not into me" attitude isn't doing anything for me. So I will opt for a delusional mindset...everyone wants me. I will get back to you on my success rate of this new attitude.
5. Spend more money than I actually have. I, Reagan, have a shopping addiction. And it's not just with clothes, it's with anything. I spent $30 at Rite Aid yesterday when all I had on my list to buy was toothpaste and a bottle of water. So I spend and spend then I panic that I have no money and I feel sick at my stomach and wonder where the $800 from selling my car went when the only new things I have to show for it are a few new clothing items and a severly depleted bank account. I have a love/hate relationship with money- I love it when I have some, I hate it when I don't.

And now onto more important things...Zach Braff & Mandy Moore (via d listed). I particularly like the commentary: I didn't know those cunts were dating! That's all I really care about from that post, I've been over Zach Braff for forever, I couldn't care less who he's dating. Forever meaning since he became all Hollywood, i.e. successful enough for famous people to want to be friends with him. Am I jealous? Do I feel betrayed? Am I upset that Scrubs has been pushed in favor of new sitcoms that will most likely suck? Answer to all three questions: A little.

Halle-f*cking-lujah- Arrested Development wasn't cancelled (via defamer)

This weekend Alisa spotted Jake Gyllenhaal dining w/ his mother (?..or the start of a May-December relationship) on Third Street. In next weekend's news, Reagan goes out to eat on Third Street.

Vacation spot of the week: Whore Island (via immoderation)
Finally, for those of you who don't really value deep conversation or any intelligence at all in your whores, may I suggest Stupid Whorangeles. You only have to communicate through hand motions and grunts here, all the while rubbing elbows with the stupidest whores of all time, such as Paris Hilton, Trishelle from RW:LV, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jennifer Lopez.
Each section of Whore Island is unique and special in its own way, and I suggest you tour the entire island to really get the "Whoring Around Experience".

Dave Chappelle: I'm not crazy bitch (via a socialite's life)
I believe you Dave. If I was under pressure and had lots of money and knew of a South African relaxation/mental facility, I would have done the same thing. Totally makes sense.

R.

It just doesn't make sense...

2005-05-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

You're not Zack Stevens!

2005-05-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

Save Lindsay & Nicole: The Audio Version
I've started a revolution! Up next: Save Lindsay & Nicole: The Book (the pictures are to die for!), followed by Save Lindsay & Nicole: The Movie (starring Paris Hilton & Kimberly Stewart), and eventually, Save Linsday & Nicole: The failed Broadway musical (produced by Rosie O'Donnell).

Where in the world is Goldenfiddle?

Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time
I'm pretty sure I've posted this before, but I don't care. While I do love Joyce at # 9 (she is what Peggy Hill would look like as a human...but uglier), I have to say that Tino sort of resembles someone I know, but I will not tell you who, b/c if I did I would probably offend him. If you know me, you can ask me (this means Ashley). OMG...inside joke! I also like #6 The Ministers Quartet- Let me touch him....I can only imagine the brainstorming session to come up w/ this title (insert wavy lines indicating flashback):
Holy Man #1: How about "Nailed"?
Holy Man #3: I like it, but we need something softer...something that says "I am one with the Lord".
Holy Man #2: Why don't we just call it that?
Holy Man #4: Too obvious. How about... "Let him touch us"?
Holy Man #1: I love it!
Holy Man #3: He's always the one doing the touching, it's time that we give something back....how about "Let us touch him"?
Holy Man #2: That's it!
Holy Man #4: It's genius!
Holy Man #1: Watch your back Krusade, there's a new Christian band in town!
R.

I invented the piano key neck tie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing!

2005-05-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

I like pictures.

I emailed some friends about going to the movies this Friday to see Kicking & Screaming then going out for a drink/food/desert/coffee b/c frankly I thought it would be fun and I'm tired of drinking being considered the only requirement to make an evening "eventful". I want to expand my social outing possibilities beyond "let's go to [insert name here]'s house and drink" or "let's go to [insert bar name here] and drink". So I get back I think one "sounds good to me" and 4 "maybes" and 5 responses that I couldn't decode b/c they didn't just come right out and say "I don't want to do that" but beat around the bush w/ excuses and ended with a "maybe I'll met up w/ you after the movie for a drink." Yes, for a drink, b/c watching Will Ferrell scream at little kids just doesn't do it for me. Not b/c I feel sorry for the kids. Not b/c I don't think Will Ferrell is funny. But b/c I would rather save that $10 and spend it on a single drink I will finish in 10 minutes than use it on 2 hours of pure hilarity...I will turn down my good friend Reagan so that I can keep my options open when we both know that in the end, I will end up doing nothing that great with my evening.

I hope they don't read this. I'm more of the "bitch behind your back but not to your face" type of girl. Why else would I viciously attack celebrities in my posts? B/c they can't say anything back.

Can I please find someone else out there who think Seth Coen (aka Seth from the OC) is unbelievably annoying? I'm just wondering b/c everyone still loves him, thinks he's the greatest. If I try to speak up, it's as if I've insulted their very belief system....sorry Jesus, but I'm an Adam Brodyist. He's the human equivalent of a chihuahua. On that note, I will tape tonight's episode as I will not be home to see it "live".

I'm going to the race track on Saturday for Brad's bday. I'm going to bet on the cutest horse or the one with the best name. And if it doesn't win, I will have it killed. I'm just kidding! But I'll never speak to it again.
R.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying

2005-05-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to tell stories that were funny initially (meaning, when they actually occurred) but lose all sense of humor when I attempt to recreate the situation. With that being said, I'm going to tell you what I heard on the radio this morning:
I was listening to the 103.1 9:30 news (as I do everyday, it comes on right as I'm running late for work) and laughing (out loud) at this guy's take on Macaulay's testimony at the MJ trial...he compared it to saying "OJ didn't murder me so he must be innocent" like if he didn't molest Macaulay then he's not a pedaphile, in case you didn't get that. Then he said (this is him as Culkin) "I was the hottest 10 year old in the world, how could he not want a piece of me?" Guy, you're funny. They also created the mental image of him being on the stand with his hands on his cheeks, Home Alone style. It's an old joke, but I couldn't help laughing. This doesn't say much for it actually being humourous- I laugh a lot, as you can tell. The end.

So MSN made a list of ten ways to live longer. I personally like to plan ahead, but that's mainly for trips and what I'm doing next weekend. I guess I should think about planning on not dying....it just seems so far away. But you know, I'll just keep putting it off and putting it off them bam! I'm dead. If that's the case then I better focus on quality of life if longevity isn't in the cards for me. Live each day as if it's my last. If that were the case, on my last day of being alive, I'm writing a blog during my lunch break. Carpe diem! Anyway, here's the list:

1. Don't oversleep
2. Be optomistic
3. Have more sex
4. Get a pet
5. Get a VAP
6. Be rich
7. Stop smoking
8. Chill out
9. Eat your antioxidants
10. Marry Well

Well MSN, here is what I think of your stupid list:

1. I always oversleep because hitting that snooze alarm just one more time really does make a difference.
2. Everyday sucks just as much if not more than the day before.
3. I haven’t had sex in ages with someone whose name I actually remember
4. I would get a pet if a) I could even keep a plant alive or b) my landlord would let me. And if I didn’t hate animals.
5. What the fuck is a VAP?
6. Be rich? Oh, I didn’t realize it was that easy to just “be rich”. Okay- poof, I'm rich.
7. Easier said than done- I've been "quitting" for five months. Plus, cigarrettes make you look cool.
8. You chill out.
9. I hate antioxidants. I avoid them at all costs.
10. Does this mean marry someone nice or marry someone rich? If it means nice, then okay, that makes sense. If it means marry rich, you’re just repeating yourself (see #6).

On a final note, MSN also had this to say: If you really want to live longer, then you can start with your attitude.
I'm fucked.

A really long a** post

2005-05-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

Last night Ashley and I decided to begin again with our weekly hanging out sessions, which we chose (unwisely?) to call RASH...b/c I'm Reagan and she's Ashley...thus RASH. If alcoholics have an acronym, why can't we? (actually, it's not an acronymn since the letters do not represent actual words). So in the spirit of our many elderly neighbors, we began the evening with a walk. (no, Craig, we did not wear bonnets). We strolled around the block a few times (okay, once) then went to Trader Joe's to get something to make for dinner. But they didn't have angel food cake (our desert of choice...topped w/ strawberries and whip cream...I just licked my lips, literally) so we kept on walking to Ralph's where gasp! they were also out of angel food cake. What the hell is going on??!! I mean, when an animal is extinct it's a big f*cking deal, but no one gives a sh*t that we're quickly running out of the afc. If I'd known, maybe I would have stocked up weeks ago. This may seem petty, but the Rolling Stones had it right...you really don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. To end this extremely interesting story, we ended up getting some kind of lemon cake and pretending it was angel food cake, meaning we put whipped cream and strawberries on top. It was good.

And in the news...Macaulay Culkin testified that Michael Jackson did nothing of the sort (molestation) and that it's all a lie. My take: Mac doesn't want people to know MJ touched him...down there.

Mental picture of the day: This guy's saddened face after Ewan McGregor said the following:
The guy yelled, 'Obi-Wan. Do you have any advice for a trainee Jedi?' I just said, 'No, don't be so ridiculous.' It's just so weird, it really is."

Help Save Lindsay Lohan & Nicole Richie.
Hello there,

Right now, all over the world, malnourished celebrities are hurting. They are suffering from starvation brought upon by break-ups (Lindsay & Wilmer, Paris & Nicole) and the strange desire to be able to hide behind street lamps. They lack self-esteem and even the most basic idea of what it means to “eat”. In many areas of LA, 4 out of 5 starving celebrities will die within the next two years.

All that is needed is someone who will look into the eyes of Lindsay & Nicole and say, "Yes, I will help."

Someone like you.

It doesn't have to be this way.

With each passing day, Lindsay & Nicole are finding it increasingly difficult to stay alive. Cut off from eating anything of nutritional value, they are forced to make choices about which essentials they can afford: three peas or a glass of Cristal they'll just throw up later? Choices no one should have to make. Despair takes the place of hope.

It doesn't have to be this way. Please, look deep into your heart and make the decision to become a Save Lindsay & Nicole sponsor, and for as little as 79 cents a day (or about the cost of the average over-the-counter diet pill, if it were broken up into individual payments), you can help stop the suffering and give these deserving celebrities a better life today, and a chance for the future.

A relationship you'll cherish forever.

As a Lindsay & Nicole sponsor, you become a partner in bringing renewed hope to two girls whose futures are now in doubt. The special relationship you can develop with them is something you'll cherish forever. It starts with a headshot and a press kit, including a bio, filmography, and list of projects in development (n/a for Nicole) . And it continues as you enjoy opportunities to get to know Lindsay & Nicole (and for them to learn all about you!).

Best of all, you'll actually see the impact that your sponsorship is having. You'll receive regular updates and press releases from their publicists, on your own Lindsay & Nicole stationery.

Where the money goes.

Your tax-deductible contribution can be sent directly to the Save Lindsay & Nicole foundation, or to Nicole’s fiance DJ AM, or even to Lionel Richie. But definitely not to Lindsay’s dad- he’ll just use it to buy coke.

Imagine the excitement when we tell Lindsay & Nicole that someone wants to make a difference in their lives! Still not convinced? Read testimonials from participants. Or hear the sad tale of other celebrities in need.

Please Please Oh Please

Lindsay & Nicole are waiting to be sponsored. Please won't you fill out the sponsorship form today? Right now? The lives of Lindsay & Nicole are all too short. Extend a hand, and extend the hope.

There's a time for a love and a time for living

2005-05-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am the Lord. The Lord, Tony Danza. I guess that's why I'm glowing

We've all heard the classic stories of misunderstood lyrics..."There's a bathroom on the right"...."Hold on while I kiss this guy"...and I even have a few of my own to add:
"Kissing the night away" aka "Pissing the night away" (Chumbawumba)
"How can I have sex without you?" aka "How can I exist without you?" (some mediocre forgettable band from high school)
So apparently (not apparently...actually) there's a website FULL of misheard lyrics stories. My favorite has to be "There ain't no hall of fat girls". I'm sure you can figure out the song.

Everyone has a blog...even Darth Vader (via Bre). I don't get a lot of the references (re: I'm not a Star Wars superfan), but I love the bio:
Darth Vader is an immaculately conceived knight-bastard imbued with magical powers who rules the known galaxy at the right hand of the merciless and brilliant Emperor Palpatine I. Though he maintains palaces on both Coruscant and Vjun, Vader spends most of his time travelling aboard Executor, the flagship of his deadly pan-galactic armada. He enjoys fixing things, listening to music, and crushing people's tracheas with his mind.
Knight-bastard...funny.

Pat O'Brien/Rosie O'Donnell Mash Up (via daily roundup). Funniest. Thing. Ever. Can't you just picture this as a Robert Smigel cartoon? My coworkers didn't find it as hilarious and I wouldn't have even told them about it b/c we don't have that relationship of "Oohh, check out this funny thing I found, I'll send you the link" but after I started laughing hysterically they of course asked "What's so funny?" and I had to tell them....which met w/ blankish stares and no laughter whatsoever. Maybe it was the "I want to lick your pussy line" that didn't do it for them...

Holy Cow! Tony flips his kart (via whatevs). This post is just full of Tony Danza goodness! On a side note, I had a go-kart as a child and I used to always turn corners really fast in an attempt to throw the housekeeper's daughter off b/c I hated her. Yes, I said housekeeper. We were a very prestigious family living in the outskirts of Gilmer, TX in a neigborhood consisting of half houses, half trailers (we were a house, obvs...home phone number 734-5108- strange that I still remember than from when I was 10) Not that there's anything wrong with trailers, they make great homes for poor people.
R.

Say what???

2005-05-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

Renee Zelwegger & Kenny Chesney have tied the knot
(again thanks to E! for their extreme investigative journalism)
My immediate response: Yuck. Kenny Chesney is the opposite of everything I find attractive. B/c he wears a cowboy hat and tight pants. I'm stereotyping- I don't even know which one he is (of the country singers) and I've never seen his pants. But I know he's probably balding underneath that Texas sombrero he's sporting in the thumbnail photo. They usually are.
Did anyone even know they were together? Isn't it her duty as a celebrity to tell us who she's dating? Or at least let us take pictures of the two of them while they act annoyed?
Doesn't this post go against everything I was complaining about earlier today? I can't help it- frankly, I'm shocked. And a little disappointed in Renee. How does one go from Jack White to Kenny Chesney??? It blows my mind, honestly.
R.

My new love

2005-05-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

I warned you....I can't stop myself!

Name: Wentworth Miller (with a name like that, you know he's hunted foxes before)
Where I've seen him: Joan of Arcadia finale and previews for new series Prison Break
Why I like him: He's very attractive...and British
What I want to do to him: Make sweet dirty love (b/c of this picture in particular...it's too big to post so I settled for other not as hot picture)
Chances of me actually meeting him, much less getting in his pants: Slim
Current position in my fantasy bank: #2 (behind my sweet sweet Jake)
R.

I am a computer genius, part 2

2005-05-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

As you have probably noticed (if you didn't then you are blind and someone is reading this to you) I learned how to post pictures. And it only took me 8 mos! So now I will completely abuse this new addition to my blog.

We're having a baby!

What I think about this picture:

1. It's obvious that Jennifer is with child as she has her hands placed on her stomach- a sure sign of a woman impregnated.

2. Ben starts a new trend: the crooked beanie...an interesting twist on the crooked trucker hat. Word.

3. Ben's mouth is hanging open, but not in that "I just finished saying something" way but rather the "My mouth just hangs open, like some sort of mental defective" way.

4. We're in love so we don't care what we look like.

R.

Testing.

2005-05-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

I love you.
R.

Ring my bell

2005-05-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

This could possibly be my last post ever as I think I might be dying of sun poisoning. Yes, that's right, my life is ending b/c I didn't put on the appropriate SPF (why on earth would I think 4 would be enough?) I just wanted to be tan, to look "thin" thanks to the camouflauging aspect that dark brown skin has to offer. But the bright red- doesn't quite have the same effect (in fact, it adds an element of looking like a tomato...aka round...aka fat). And now I feel like I have the flu and even wearing a bra is killing me. Too bad I don't have breasts appropriate for going braless.

This weekend was pretty much a wash. Friday night I did nothing (unless you count watching the OC as something..but omg the rape scene was great). Saturday night I went to a party w/ my friends Jessica and Justin but ended up going back home after an hour b/c I got my very first migraine (yeah!!!!). It was terrible- it felt like my head had a heartbeat....the pulsating was unbearable. It made me so nauseaus all I could do to ease the pain was to lie motionless on the couch w/ my eyes closed. I'm sure you're thinking, "Please tell us more Reagan, oh please!" but I'm going to stop now w/ any talk of my weekend ailments. Oh, but while I was doing this I was listening to an old episode of Saturday Night Live on E! when not once, but two times the program was interruped by Guilana Depandi (this prob isn't the correct spelling but I don't care enough to look it up) with breaking news: According to their inside sources, Jennifer Garner is with child. What is the world coming to when this is considered breaking news? I know it wasn't CNN (though I'm sure they did a news story on it as well) it was E! so what else would I expect. And I know I buy into a lot of sh*t (half of what I write here isn't even on par w/ what they write in In Touch), but why why why do we care if she is or isn't? Why do we care about Angelina and Brad (hello idiots, they've been using the same f*cking pictures to write 50 dif news stories)? Why do we even pay attention when it's announced that Paris and Nicole are no longer friends? You want an interesting story...announce that J. Garner is pregant, but that Ben's not the father. Now that, I would pay attention to. Or pay more attention to.

I know this is a very "uncool" thing to say "(and I am the epitome of cool...someday I will say this and mean it, which will mean I'm not actually cool but rather lame and delusional)...but there are too many bands out there for me to stay in the loop. Of course, I don't really try- I listen mainly to 103.1 and rarely buy cd's...I subscribe to Spin and Rolling Stone but don't actually read the reviews. I just scan them. Then when someone says "Yeah [insert band name here] is awesome" I can nod along b/c even though I haven't heard them I've heard of them and that's just a couple levels below actually being a fan. Sometimes being a fan is too much effort. It means buying multiple cd's (to be a hard core fan, the complete collection is essential) and knowing personal information about band members, such as what they look like, what instrument they play, who they're dating, etc. As you can tell, I'm a busy girl and don't have the time for such frivolous things.

Last but not least...I'm feeling v. sexually frustrated (and where better to express my frustrations that on my blog). Maybe I should start responding to the cabana boy submissions. That would be a def low point in my life, esp for someone who's said she will never ever use a personal ad to meet someone. It's just creepy and wrong. Esp when you consider this guy is the type who responds to them:
How are you going to pay me? And after I fuck you so hard that it will hurt for you to pee a week beyond our session. So prep and respond as I can be quite busy...
That's sweet.
R.

She didn't do nothing but have sex with someone

2005-05-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

What a de-f*cking-lightful surprise this morning when I get into my car to hear my old pal Ben Lee on the radio...and that's the way I like it (nice reference Reagan...hey thanks). He played two songs on the Mighty Morning Show: Gamble Everything for Love and Catch My Disease. And they were both awesome. But I'm a little biased seeing as how I want to bear his children.

Last night I went out w/ a few friends for El Cinco de Mayo and we're talking about when we lost our virginity (mine is one of those stories where you laugh first pity later) and my friend Dave starts his out with "I lost my virginity in Alabama" to which I reply "Oh yeah, how is your cousin?" Ba dum dum. That's the story- I said something funny.

I know I'm a little late on this one (I could have given a sh*t until I got sucked in thanks to 1/2 hour of The Insider...damn you Pat O'Brien, damn you to hell!) but this whole American Idol thing is just ridiculous. Seriously, if Paula would just come out and say (and I mean Paula, not her publicist, like have a press conference or do a video like MJ did w/ his first molestation trial) "Seriously guys...Corey? I can do better than that. I'm Paula freakin' Abdul. Opposites Attract? Forever your girl? They were huge hits in the late '80s. And I was married to Emilio Estevez! So really...Corey? I mean, the guy has cornrows for chrissake." Check out his single Wiggle N Shake...I can't b/c I'm at work (what would the coworkers think) but I'm sure it's quite impressive.

I'm looking to purchase a copy of Rad soon. And I'm going to have Bart Connor sign it (that's right...I've got connections). Bart Connor! aka Bart Taylor. aka rival to Cru Jones. Oh yeah, and he was a gymnast too.
R.

God turns to USPS

2005-05-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

Alex really took it to the next level of craigslist shenanigans with his "I Will Kill Somebody for a Coldplay Ticket" pseudo-ad. I love it.

That's right, if there is some person out there whose discontinued existence would vastly improve your life, but you are having trouble with the moral or spiritual implications of killing them yourself, I will do it for you in exchange for a chance to hear "Clocks" live and in person.
...
If you'd like, I will kill you. You're suicidal and don't have the courage? No problem, we'll go to the show together, have some drinks and then, at the end of the moving encore rendition of "Yellow", I will cut you. Simple and clean. You'll go out with the sweet, melodic sounds of Coldplay wafting through your senses.

Out of boredom (what else?) I perused craigslist to find things that made me laugh. Or at least smile and think "That's kind of funny."

Stupid thugs need to stay away from Dodger stadium.- $10
All the stupid thugs need to stay away from Dodger stadium. You know who you are. Stay home an eat a taco instead. You no class losers.

*Comment: What is the $10 for? (I couldn't figure out a way to write that sentence w/o ending it w/ a preposition...I learned nothing in basic English)

Collective Soul Tickets: House of Blues LA Sunset Strip 5/29- $35
I have six (6) tickets for Collective Soul at House of Blues and I will not be able to attend the show. $35 per ticket. Send me an email if you're interested.

*Comment: 1) I didn't know Collective Soul still existed and 2) Why would anyone purchase 6 tickets to see them?

Free Rabits

*Comment: No comment necessary (What a very Jay Leno type thing for me to select and label as "humorous")

And this I found through a posting in the local news and views section...Godagram.

God-A-Gram will write a personalized letter printed on elegant stationary and signed by “God” and mail it anywhere in the world.

*Comment: Ooh, elegant stationary. B/c God wouldn't use crap. (And I stole the heading from the posting and took it as my own b/c I found it that funny)

I'm about to get uber-girly on you...I'm wearing a flowy hot pink skirt today and I like it...and so does everyone else. Please, I see the stares in the hallway. You WANT this skirt. You MUST have this skirt. Also my boss told me I look really skinny and said she would guess I wear a size 6. I don't- but that's not the point. Smoke and mirrors, my friends.

Okay, I'm done.
R.

A big fat fatty

2005-05-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to my friend Jake's dance class and realized something I've always known, have even said many times before, but never really truly accepted (I thought in the right environment I might excel)- I am a terrible dancer. After watching myself in the mirrors that were oh so conveniently placed on every single wall, I now know what I look like when I "break it down." And that was me sober. I highly doubt that after I've had a few or 10 drinks I suddenly have rhythm...I'm just drunk so I think I do. Confidence in a bottle, gotta love it.

He's bleeping huge!
This reminds me of one time on Conan (I didn't see it, but Emily told me about it and I laughed) when he was doing the "if this person and this person had a baby" thing and they put a picture of Giselle and Leonardo on the screen and you could tell Conan had yet to see the picture b/c he was visibly stunned by Leonardo's fattness in it and then he quipped "Maybe he's preparing for a role in his next film- A big fat fatty." It might have been the way he said it that was so funny b/c as I re-read this I'm realizing it doesn't transfer well. I know at least Emily and Ashley are laughing at this so I'm not alone.

I love how people refer to gossip they hear about celebrities as if they've heard if from a friend...and not a friend who just finished reading In Touch. One of my co-workers was just talking about the Brangelina (Take that Bennifer!) sexcapade in Africa as if she'd just received a call from a guard standing outside their door.
"Hey Susie*, it's me George the guard. You won't believe this but I'm standing outside Brad and Angelina's room and they are having the craziest wild animal sex! No, I swear. One of the other guards thought she was being tortured and rushed into the room with his weapon drawn...he was sooooo embarassed! Oh, gotta go- Brad wants an Evian." (*name has been changed so as not to piss off my coworker should she ever stumble upon this site)

Last Days
I f*cking love Micheal Pitt. I loved him in Hedwig and I'm sure I'll love him in this. But I haven't seen The Dreamers even though I want to but I'm sure I'll hate it b/c it looks pretentious but on a really immature level I just want to see his full frontal.

Reason #687 why I hate being poor- because I miss things like this.

Happy Birthday Topanga!

I'm still getting emails for cabana boy applicants. It's going past funny and into annoying. But then I got a picture of some dude's penis emailed to me and it made me laugh again.
R.

How's that working out for you- being clever?

2005-05-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

If you look up "Total Eclipse of the Heart - remake 2005 - swear words" on Google, my site comes up first. What a proud day this is for Glory Fades! Now that she's famous, next thing you know she'll be dating all the coolest blogs (I have my eye on you Stereogum), being ripped apart by the witty rhetoric of Go Fug Yourself (I told her not to wear taffeta), and becoming roommates/best friends with Gawker. Maybe she'll even get her picture taken with Whatevs! Eventually, you'll see her on VH1- "Behind the Blogs: She's Sweet, but She's Fucked Up"- talking about her addiction to metaphors and how she "supposedly" f*cked Best Week Ever at a party. Frankly, I don't like her new attitude of "Oooh, google me, I'm so awesome." Go ahead, I dare you to look up "Joaquin Phoenix + paternity"...you can see she's already slipping. Soon you won't be able to google "gavin degraw video sucks" without her jumping out at you..."Look at me, look at me!"
R.

You're terrible Muriel

2005-05-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am not a sexual person. That's my problem. That's why everyone wants to be my friend and not my lover. I'm laughing my a** off at that last sentence. Oh man, hilarious. But I was talking to Emily last night about me not putting out a sexual vibe and we started to deconstruct what the hell people mean by "vibe". I personally never think that guys are putting out sexual vibes- it's either they're interested or they're not. I guess the sexual vibe could be the guy who is looking to get laid, but that's just slutty, not sexual. I'm just too uptight...I like to think when I go out and meet someone I put out the "I'm into you" vibe but apparantly they're just picking up the "I want to iron your button up" vibration. It's no good I tell you. Especially for someone who loves a hot guy...I go a little crazy anytime I see one (not crazy like foaming at the mouth or anything...in case that's what you were thinking). And I obsess about their hotness. And I just want to ravage them. But alas, I'm not sexual, so I'll just sit and stare instead.

I worked out on Monday and am thinking I might have overdone it a little as I've been sore as crap ever since and actually nauseaus b/c of it. I like to take "feel the burn" to a whole new level.

And now for the something completely stupid and totally lame: My friend Guiseppe and I created a personal add for craigslist after we kept making references to me needing a cabana boy(think Matt Dillon from The Flamingo Kid)...here is what it said:

DEBUATANTE IN NEED OF A WELL-MANNERED CABANA BOY
I am a Paris Hilton-type seeking a cabana boy for the summer. Must be young (20-30) and attractive. Duties include: bringing me drinks, fanning me (must provide own fan), occasional foot and neck massages, following me around, etc. Not allowed to speak unless spoken to...VERY IMPORTANT! Actually having a cabana a plus. Inquiring parties please contact via email.

And how many responses did I get? 27. I've posted my favorite below:

Do you have any yellow fever or Asian persuasion? While you are looking for Prince Charming which can take years in LA, why dont you meet your sexual needs with this smart, funny imported beefcake as your friend and fuck buddy? Since your Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, let me Usher you to my Candy Shop.

Do you have any Chinese in you? If not, I can give you some with no G-string attached, and you can even have a ball .... :) I can open more Doors than Jim Morrison, so Cum On Baby, Light My Fire. Save drama for your mama, and enjoy some original comedy with me.

Got Milk? I am a weapon of ass seduction, a muscular alpha male, confident, exotic, erotic, intelligent (MS CalTech, USC PhD program with a Lick Her license), discreet, diclicious, juicy, cerebral, and funny Asian stud, 30 years young, 69 inches, 185lbs, works out daily, non-smoker, disease and drug-free, smooth, shaved, hot but way cool, well hung but not cocky, thick and uncut for your Sugar Walls. I love animals, and can lick your kitty, spread your eagle, do a doggie, taste your Red Bull, kiss your Jaguar, or horse around with the cock. I am not Madonna, but I can Juicify My Love. I am not George Michael, but I Want Your Sex. I can host since I have nice condo near Westwood Village and Sports Club LA with heated swimming pool, sundeck, tanning chairs, koi pond, waterfall, lush landscaping, jacuzzi, steam room, gym, personal sauna, French music, satin sheets, and decorated with art and statues.

I am not Cameron Diaz or Russell Crowe, but I am The Sweetest Thing with A Beautiful Mind. I am not Garfunkel, but I do what Simon says. I am spiritual, witty, can make you laugh, connect with you on many levels, and fill you with more Passion than Mel Gibson. I am not an Oscar winner, but I am a Million Dollar Baby for a goddess who can ANALyze This. I love to go downtown on an Uptown Girl because I am a more cunning linguist than The Interpreter who can cumfort you regularly as a friend with benefits, or if we click, supply more LTR than a nympho can swallow.

I am a porn-again Christian who disagrees with the Pope on contraception and celibacy, so cum play with my bishop, get baptized with holy water, and cummit a cardinal sin. I am Home Alone in Westwood so you can just bring your bikini and swim/jacuzzi/sauna with me, have some wine, nuts, sausage, conversation, and creampie, watch DVD, enjoy my humor, get under my foreskin, and receive a facial. I can rock you better than Rod Stewart, so if you want my body and if you think I am sexy, just reach out and let me know. I look gorgeous naked, and can outlast the Energizer bunny for your Close Encounter of the Wild Kind, so email me stats, pics and perhaps your # so I can fulfill your Booty Call and be the boy toy in your Happy Meal.

La Perla lingerie $400

Liposuction $2000

Mercedes Benz S-class $100,000

Finding a talented Chinese Takeout who has class and can make you laugh......priceless.

Nice.

R.

I'm serious- I'll scratch your eyes out

2005-05-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone's seen the story of the Runaway Bride, as they've so cleverly titled her (it's just like that Julia Roberts movie, except serious). I love how everytime they put her picture up on the screen it's the same one...wouldn't it be funny if they switched it up a bit? Maybe a picture of her at a coworkers birthday party? Or even her dressed up as Little Bo Peep for Halloween? But no, it's always the same picture- you can almost see through her smile her thoughts of "What the f*ck am I doing? I don't want to marry this guy. Please somebody help me." And if you stare at her eyes long enough, you'll go into a trance.

Yesterday I had a virus sent to me via IM...it came from a friend and said "OMG. Check this out" and you could click to a link on the "this" which I of course I did b/c it said OMG so it must be really awesome but then it sent the IM to everyone on my buddy list, so all these people are IM'ing me asking "What is this?" and I'm trying to tell them "Don't open it!" but my mouse won't work and my boss is desperately yelling at her computer screen for her boyfriend not to open it like it's a f*cking bomb and then all of the sudden we start receiving the IM from him b/c he's now infected and it's being sent to his buddy list and it was just a big pain in the a** and f*cked up his computer but luckily spared mine any damage b/c I panicked and turned off my computer when it started going crazy even though I had no clue how to remedy the situation b/c I'm not the IT guy (not that we have one). It was like a horror movie for nerds.

Check out Emily & Bre's interview w/ Sir Ben Lee (yes, I just knighted him) on The Austinist.

I just balanced my check book and I'm f*cked for the next month and then some...unless I win the lottery. But I'd have to actually purchase a lottery ticket first.
R.

To all those people doing lines

2005-05-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been making some really dumb a** mistakes at work and I feel I have nothing to blame but my incessant posting. Sure, it's slow/dead at the office, but that doesn't mean I can quit working all together. It seems like the less I have to do, the less I actually do. For example, I find myself taking things I need to either fax or file or fax then file and just setting them to the side, in my "I'll get to that later" pile. What else am I doing that's so important? Oh, that's right, I'm writing about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' budding relationship, obviously that should take priority. For a girl who wants to ask for a raise sometime soon (so that maybe one day she can afford that fancy shampoo she's been eyeing), I better put on my game face, get my sh*t together, and stop wasting my time writing to an invisible audience.

On that note, I had the weirdest dream on Saturday night. I spent the night on my friend's futon and I cuddled with her faux Winnie the Pooh doll who looks just like the real thing but creepier. It's something about the smile. Anyway, I just like to cuddle with something, whether it be a pillow, a stuffed animal, or dare I say a real live person! So earlier in the night someone had brought their baby to my friend's bday dinner...and in my dream the faux Pooh sat up and turned into the baby who then began running around the room and doing sommersaults. It really freaked me out to the point that I keep getting flashes of scary Pooh in my head, like I'm in some bad horror movie.

I heard this song on the radio this morning that I kind of liked...by this guy McGowan who used to play guitar for Ben Lee. He's playing at Tangier Restuarant tonight...maybe I'll go...if it's free. Doesn't look like it is. And I'm out.

How lame is this...according to IMDB (my essential source for pointless news) Martin Freeman aka Tim from The Office aka Arthur Dent is quitting comedy for good. Ummm Martin....you might not want to bite the hand that feeds you.

Remember when Hayden Christensen used to be attractive? Now he's at that weird "Is he a boy or a man?" stage and things aren't looking so good....I think his nose is trying to take over his face. I'm so mean, seriously (I say this like I'm proud, but I actually feel kind of bad that I find it so funny). Yesterday I actually described Rumer Willis to my friend by saying "imagine Bruce Willis as a 16 year old lesbian with down syndrome." I'll pay for these statements in the afterlife. Or at the very least, karma will f*ck me over.
R.

Gay men are so hot. It's tragic.*

2005-04-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

Though I'm not one to post things days after the breaking news (again, has anyone heard we have a new pope???) but this Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing is just gross. My initial response: "I want to vomit." I'm taking it too personally, it's just that I think Katie Holmes is really pretty and could do better. In fact, when people say "If you could look like a famous person, who would it be?" I respond "Katie Holmes". Sometimes I say "Charlize Theron" if I'm having a blond day. Anyway...when discusing the disturbing news in depth w/ a friend over IM, she stated, and I quote, "He's hot". After a shiver went up my spine then back down again, I calmed myself for a moment before replying: "He...Astrid*...he is not hot. He is a dork. A big gay dork." (*name has been changed to maintain her anonymity- I felt it necessary even if she may claim she's not embarassed, b/c I'm a good friend). I could almost feel myself placing both hands on her shoulders, looking her straight in the eyes, and correcting her for making such an incorrect, nay, heinous statement. But Astrid came back at me with "He is still hot" as if she hadn't heard a word I had said. I try to teach others the lessons I have learned (ex: Chad Micheal Murray-not hot) from years of TV, movies, magazines, and just general common sense. But you can't lead a horse to water who doesn't want to drink. Think about it.
R.
*This quote was lifted directly from Katie herself in "Go"...we should have seen this coming.

My goal is... I'd like a career or something

2005-04-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I cleaned my house Cinderella style (minus the singing mice, but I would have enjoyed the company)...I'm talking hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor (b/c I don't have a mop and frankly I don't like mops). But yes, the apt is now as clean as it can be and ready for the out of town guests who will marvel "Why, what a nice apartment you have!" rather than commenting "I think I just stepped in gum".

So I got my first taste of rejection today in my new hobby as a writer. I pretty much wrote two stories then moved on to my next hobby- acting in short film (singular). But back to the rejection- I don't take it so well. I became immediately depressed and am now wondering/obsessing about the fact that I lack talent in pretty much any department. I can't dance, sing, draw, solve complex math equations, write (thanks McSweeney's, thanks for ruining my life!), do stand-up comedy, juggle, run fast, play any instrument (not even the triangle), and many other things that I don't have the time to list write now b/c I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Okay, not really. I'm being dramatic- which reminds me, I can't act either. I make life way too hard on myself. Maybe things would be easier if I just sucked it up, faced facts (I'm completely average), and moved on (i.e. stop whining all the goddamn time). It's frustrating not being able to change the things in your life that are the biggest problem, or at least that you perceive to be the biggest problem. I should be thankful I have a job, (some) money, friends, family, etc. and think about the other people in the world who live in much worse circumstances (no A/C!). But that's just depressing, so I'll complain about the fact that I don't have any natural abilities. Oh well, someday I'll have children through whom I can live vicariously....I'm going to make them the most awesome children ever! Even if they turn out disfunctional later on, at least we can have a few good years making all the other kids look bad.

I'm almost finished with my book and haven't decided what to read next. I just bought The Bell Jar, but in my fragile state, a book about a suicidal girl in her mid 20's probably isn't the best choice.
R.

Jesus is just all right with me

2005-04-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

I just got my credit report and apparantly I will never be able to own a house or send my children to college. Poor kids, they never had a chance. But really, Hollywood Video is such a goddamned liar. I do not owe them $128. What possible late fees add up to $128, seriously? I won't pay it, even if it means my kids have to work at McDonald's for the rest of their lives (b/c that's where people who don't go to college work).

This is hot (Thanks Kerry!)

This is not (Thanks EZ Board!)

Probably too soon to say, but I might be going back to Austin for a Freaks and Geeks marathon at the Alamo Drafthouse in June. God, how I love that show.
R.

I am siamese if you please

2005-04-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Has anyone noticed (or has this always been obvious to everyone but me?) in the Revlon commercials that Kate Bosworth has one brown eye and one blue eye? Not the worst deformity, but I have to say, it's pretty creepy looking. Probably not the best subject to model mascara either. The brown one's fine, it's the blue one that adds the disturbing element...it looks like a glass eye. And you know what they say about glass eyes- nothing, but only scary people have them. See for yourself.
R.

I'm with Ryan Cabrera

2005-04-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

And the celeb sightings just keep on coming. It would fall into the category of interesting if I actually had a story to tell, but no, I don't. Actually, I do, but it has nothing to do w/ the celebrity, I'm making it all about me. As usual. So last night I was at this work thing and met a few other assistants I'd never met in person, but only had talked to on the phone (and I always wonder what they think when they see me...does my voice match face?). Afterwards, they decided to go to some place called Element and although I just wanted to go home and read (nerd...but the book is so good and I'm almost finished!) I decided to go out and be social. Maybe meet new people I would never see again and wouldn't even really want to spend five minutes talking to, but I would, b/c that's me being social. So I left pretty quickly from the work thing, wanted to go home and slip into something more comfortable (no, not lingerie, jeans). I'm dragging this out- basically I get to the club and walk up to the door and ask "Is there a cover?" (not that I had any money to pay a cover, unless they would accept two sticks of gum and a broken cigarette as collateral) to which he replied "Are you on the list?". Oh, it's one of THOSE clubs. The ones I don't go to, b/c I like to get my rejection the good ol' fashioned way- through peer disapproval and low self-esteem. So I step aside, I don't try to talk my way in like the other douche bags circling the velvet rope- "My client is inside"..."I'm with Ryan Cabrera"- b/c I innocently just wanted to meet up w/ a few people and have a drink. Maybe two, I don't know. I waited for about 10 minutes, not sure if they were already inside or what, when ***Alert: Celebrity Sighting Ahead*** I see Avril Lavigne saunter into the club. No one even asked her if she was on the list! And you know what else, I don't think it was an 18 + club (I think there was drinking inside). I won't tell, but I'm just saying. So that was my night, I went home, read my book, went to bed. Like every other night. I just have to say, I hate that I even cared that I couldn't get in. I didn't even want to get in- but once I thought I couldn't then I wanted it even more. I wanted to sit at the cool kids lunch table. I was blindsided with this whole list thing....it caught me offguard. And I can't believe I'm still a little pissed about it today.

I just found this one line funny from Zach Braff's Blog:

Paul Haggis, who wrote "Million Dollar Baby" did the adaptation and I tweaked the dialogue a little bit.

I bet Paul Haggis is pissed. Zach- you wrote f*cking Garden State, he wrote an Oscar winning film...bit of a difference.

Michael Ian Black is funny.

R.

They don't play me on the radio

2005-04-26T12:13:00.001-07:00

Reason #5,359 I want to do naughty things to Jake G. It's not really a reason persay, just a picture I like to look at over and over and over and over again. Was it good for you?

Yuck. For the love of God, eat something. Or at least wear baggy clothes like Mary-Kate.

Scroll down to find pics of Jesse Metcalf with Tara Reid. After asking yourself "Why God Why???" you remember that not that long ago he was Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on Passions and not the gardner on Desperate Housewives. Then you'll understand why he might think it's "cool" to hang out with Tara Reid. He doesn't know any better.

I reserved two tickets for Last Call with Carson Daly taping in LA on May 6th w/ musical guest Ben Lee (and also Micheal Vartan...that's just a bonus). I won't be able to go seeing as how it's during work hours, but I like to pretend that I will. And Ben will see me and say "Aren't you that girl who came to all my shows when I was recording my album?" and I'll reply "Yes, that was me" and he'll say "I think I love you" and I'll say "I think I love you too" and then he'll get out his guitar and sing me a song. It will be lovely.
R.

This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay

2005-04-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot to mention my celeb sighting from this weekend. I was in Urban Outfitters, looking at some top I wouldn't actually buy b/c it's $30 for a mass produced vintage t-shirt, when I look up to see Janice Dickenson beside me. At first, I recoiled visably in disgust at the sight of that much botox up close, then I wondered if that was actually her or someone who just looks like her, then I went to my friend Lisa to see if she watched America's Next Top Model (answer: no) so I could point out to her that we were in the presence of an actual C list celebrity, just like the time I saw Melissa Rivers (being carried out of Saddle Ranch b/c the woman was so wasted- true story!). After deciding it was indeed Ms. Dickenson, I said to myself "Hmmm". B/c after all that, it's really not that interesting. Until...I ran into Rosanna Arquette on my way out of the store. I guess I didn't "run into her"...it wasn't like I said "Hey Rosanna, what's up" and she said "Reagan, how's it going". But I did see her.

I submitted a story to McSweeney's. I'm not a tv writer anymore, and I've already given up on my dreams of musical stardom, so now I'm going to be a short story writer. Sounds fun in theory. And so far, both Maryn and Ashley have loved it. The rest of you will have to wait for it to be published. Suckers.
R.

I'm definitely going to hell for this

2005-04-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

Jesus Dress Up

Why do I always say that, that I'm going to hell, if I don't really believe in it? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think even Jesus could take a joke. I don't know what I believe, but I don't trust the whole "worship me" scenario. It kind of makes him seem like an a**hole, doesn't it? If I am wrong though, I'm pretty much f*cked when I die.
R.

This is the day my life will surely change

2005-04-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find out who sings this song from this dockers commercial and I finally found it...it's called This is the Day by a band called The The. Hence the title.

I'm not feeling so well today. I couldn't for the life of me pull myself out of bed today...I can't even count how many times I said to myself "just 10 more minutes". Everything would be perfect if I always had just 10 more minutes....times 10.

Friday night I went out w/ my friend Michele and met up w/ a friend of hers from work. Original plan- have a few drinks and call it an early night (I planned on hiking the next morning). What actually happened- drank five too many and stayed out until wee hours of the morning (Thus, no hiking the next day). In the hours that passed b/w the bar closing and me getting back to my apt, I spent my time making up songs about celebrities and other stuff I can't quite recall while Dave (Michelle's coworker) played the guitar... and in my state of intoxication I became convinced that we were the next big thing, music/comedy wise. Sure, I can't sing (in fact, I sound like either elephants making love or being tortured, I feel like they might sound the same in both situations) and Dave only knows one chord (maybe more, maybe he just didn't want to show off), but that's not going to stop us, oh no, not the defiant ones (or at least me, I think Dave might have been humoring me w/ his encouragement). So, that's kind of where we left it until the next night when we talked about possible band names (so far I've contributed titles that have recieved little response- "Drop it like it's hot" and "The ambiguously awesome duo") and t-shirts (Randy, this is where you will come in) and maybe even adding a bongo player and then finally we actually talked about maybe writing songs. I suggested a song about famous people's siblings, mainly b/c I don't care for Hailey Duff and I feel the best way to express my feelings would be through my music (ha ha ha...my music, oh man). And then Dave threw out the idea of adding Sylvester Stallone's brother Frank as well...so maybe out of these ideas a masterpiece will emerge. Or maybe I'll lose interest in a few days like I do with most things (anyone remember two weeks ago when I was a writer?)

And on to Sunday (skipping Saturday b/c I just slept all day, nothing to tell really), when I spent the day shopping on Melrose with Lisa and came to yet another one of my conclusions: I'm too fat for LA. Now, I'm not saying I'm fat, b/c I'm not, it's just a fact (I'm not in denial, but believe what you will), but compared to most of the girls I saw shopping alongside me, I literally looked like a cow. Well, not literally, but I did avoid black and white patterns so as not to invite the comparison. There are just several items that are in every store I went into (b/c every store on Melrose is the same...the only way to distinguish one from the other is by choice of window dressing) that look absolutely terrible on anyone who doesn't look like Mary Kate...and you know what, I don't want to look like her. She's anorexic! What is attractive about that? Please, somebody tell me. B/c I saw so many clones on Sunday I just wanted to shake them (not too hard though, I might break them) and say "Eat something!!!" Just so you know this rant isn't masquerading any feelings of jealousy b/c I can't dress like Sienna Miller or newly anorexic (welcome to the club...you'll love it here!) Nicole Richie. No, I don't envy them in the least. B/c when I die (and it won't be from a heart attack brought on by malnutrition or mass quantities of coke to keep me thin) I won't regret not having that cookie or that piece of pizza (I tell myself this when eating cookies or pizza). Or who knows, maybe they just have really high metabolisms and I'm taking out my anger over something else (the fact that I can't just get by on my personality) on them. I guess I really shouldn't care so much, but what else do I have to b*tch about, really? If I didn't complain about them, then I'd actually have to take a look at my life and face the fact that I'm struggling for change while at the same time trying to keep everything the same. It's time to grow up, to be responsible, to pay my bills on time, to stop spending money when I don't have it, to work instead of playing on this blog. Wait, how did I get to this from a story that began about shopping on a Sunday?
R.

Almost famous

2005-04-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

Like many hangers on roaming the streets of Hollywood, I too have famous friends. But they're the cool kind of famous, the ones who don't flaunt it, the ones you won't see guest dj'ing at some queer (and I don't mean homosexual, I mean lame) bar, the ones who don't only date other famous people, and the ones who don't have real pictures on IMDB but rather that outline of the generic man instead. So what the hell am I talking about? Mr. Guiseppe Graziano and his moment of immortality thanks to King of Queens (below you'll find an episode description, c/o Mr. G himself):

doug spills mayo all over carrie's client's suit... and the client goes... "This is an 800 dollar Giuseppe Graziano, and it's ruined!".... then later, at the end of the scene, spence is alone with her and he points to her suit and says, "Is that a Giuseppe Graziano?"

And to think I got excited b/c Robert put a character named Regan (yes, he mispelled it, silly boy) in his episode of Judging Amy, but "claimed" he didn't name her after me. B*tch please...you're thinly veiled portayal of me as a 14 year old punk rocker w/ an attitude is so obvious. I know when I'm being imitated.
R.

The green monster rears its ugly head

2005-04-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

Emily will be interviewing Ben Lee for the Austinist. When? I don't know. But I'm jealous (hence the title...and that's my natural reaction to everything).

Also, update to previous post- I will not be dancing this weekend, I've ditched those plans (and everyone involved with them) and opted to go to the party instead. Even though Craig thought Jesus would want me to dance.
R.

Thank you for being a friend...

2005-04-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have the Golden Girls theme in my head...travelled down the road and back again, your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant (I know it by heart). Gotta love those ladies. Everything started with that foursome...and below, I will prove it to you (comparing it to Sex and the City...so you know the characters I'm talking about):
Dorothy=Carrie (the main character)
Sophia=Miranda (the saracastic one)
Rose=Charlotte (the naive one)
Blanche=Samantha (the slutty one)
I'm sure I'm not the first person to blow the lid on this theory, but still find it intersting, the similarities. I tried to extend it to Desperate Housewives but I had no idea where to put Eva Longoria or Marcia Cross, so it didn't really work out. This is what I do in my spare time.

Funniest heading from IMDB today:
Cosby to Fight 11 Women
Sorry, but I can't stop laughing. I know, I'm immature, but the mental picture (I get off on mental pictures) off Bill Cosby in a ring with 11 women ready to literally fight him...oh man, it's killing me.

My friend keeps asking me to see The Interpreter w/ her this weekend...she says she can't find anyone to go. Hmmm, I wonder why...maybe it's b/c the movie looks so effing boring. My response after much consistent begging on her part- I'd rather watch a dog lick itself for two hours than see that movie. Kind of harsh, a little tasteless, but it go the point across.

In college, I had some friend-like people I knew (some would call them acquaintances) who started a Nicole Kidman Fan Club. They did this b/c 1) They found it funny (at this point Nicole wasn't a "star" so it was obviously a joke) and 2) It only took $10 and 3 people to start a club. I just remembered that, decided to share a little pointless information. Enjoy!

I hate to say this, but blonde hair has really uglied up Lindsay Lohan. Actually, I don't hate to say it...I really enjoyed writing that. Saying mean things about people you don't know is fun.

Does anyone care if Ben and Jen are (allegedly) engaged? I don't. Really, I don't. I swear, I don't. Okay....no I really don't.

Oh no! One of my favorite friends can't go dancing on Saturday, my whole plan is falling apart. I really shouldn't plan ahead, who knows if I'll even feel like it tomorrow. I'm wishy washy. A flake. I'll back out of plans then purposely not answer my phone so as not to face the wrath of those I've let down. Backbone's overrated, that's what I say. Now it turns out that favorite friend is having a party on Saturday instead of dancing....I'm torn...do I cancel the plans I started or do I actually follow through? What would Jesus do?
R.

I've got a brand new pair of roller skates

2005-04-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

Recently I was at this event where I noticed this attractive guy standing not too far from me. I tend to always notice these types, it's the act of a desperate woman hungry for a little affection. Maybe I shouldn't say things like that, it takes away from any possibilty of me having mystique (a new quality I think I might try on for size). So I looked at him for a while (maybe a minute) b/c there was something about him I couldn't put my finger on. Did I know him? Was I supposed to know him? Was he gay? Not to stereotype, but he was very put together, looking extremely man pretty, and I think possibly wearing make-up (and I don't mean he was rocking the eye liner, I'm talking a little blush and maybe some mascara). But then some model-type girl (you know the type, dressed like she's Sienna Miller's body double, the look of a starving child in Africa upon her face, which could either be actual hunger or disinterest in anything not involving herself) started semi-hanging on him and they kissed and I then ruled out my previous gay assumption. Kind of, it could be a cover. I'm dragging this out, time to wrap it up....so finally after all my interior questioning, ruling out possibilities, blah blah blah, someone announces his name and I discover that it's Joel Stein (without the glasses). God, what a terrible ending...all that build up to me saying "it's Joel Stein." I apologize to anyone who stuck w/ me through my muddled story. But I do have a follow up to the story...apparantly I'm not the only person who's wondered: is Joel Stein straight? I know I said I'd give up doing this, but worst. story. ever. (I'm referring to my story, not the J.S. article...it's actually quite hilarious)

I heard the strangest thing on the radio today...it was a medley of Radiohead songs but sounded like it was being played at a hoe down (omg...I can't believe I just wrote hoe down). Anyway, it apparantly (why did I write apparantly? it really was, the dj said so) was peformed by the band Hard n Phirm, featuring Chris Hardwick of Singled Out fame. Yeah, so there you go. No point to that really.

Did anyone else know that Ryan Seacrest got a star yesterday on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Seriously...Seacrest? I know, all it takes is $15,000 and someone to sponsor you (thanks Mom) but honestly, it's a disgrace to the people that really deserve them. How do you think Bogie would feel knowing that his star is associated with the host of American Idol? And do you think Brian Dunkleman is kicking himself for leaving after season one? They could have gotten a star together, gayed it up, MK & A style. It would have been awesome. But back to it not being awesome, they should put some limits on who can get a star, really. Who's next...Carrot Top? I couldn't help myself, he's the just the lowest form of celebrity, sorry to drag you into this CT.
R.

These are a few of my favorite things...

2005-04-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

Gotta say, I'm a little bored right now. So how about another edition of things that make me laugh:

1. Donald Trump Jr. is ugly
Funniest. Title. Ever. (Have I abused my right to use spacing/periods to emphasize statements? No, not yet? Okay.) I haven't read the post, just the title. Okay, I just did...not as funny as the title

via the superficial

2. Breaking news! Clay Aiken was bullied
Yes, this is also from the superficial. But I can't help it that he/she had multiple funny things to say today (the coke bottle glasses comment- it's funny cause it's true!):

Just based on the fact that you do interviews with Dr. Phil and Cosmo Girl leads me to side with the bullies and assume that they were right to preemptively beat you. Although it’s hard to argue the street cred of references like “Coke-bottle glasses” (I’ll ignore the fact that Coke bottles haven’t been made of glass for about 130 years now)

via the superficial...again

3. John Candy not as dead as previously thought?
Again, it's the title that got me. But seriously, how is this possible? Oh, is it like in Forrest Gump, when he meets JFK or that other president (I'm totally kidding you guys- I remember it was Nixon. Gotcha!)? I tried to figure out the logistics of this, but I gave up very quickly.

via goldenfiddle

4. Michael Rapaport: Actor/Red Head/Concerned Citizen
The most hilarious part of this article is the following sentence:

"Reports kept coming in," said Rapaport, whose films include "Small Time Crooks" and "Hitch."

Is that really the best moment to list some of his credits? Maybe they could have done it like this:

"I felt sick to my stomach the moment she touched me," said Rapaport, whose films include "Beautiful Girls" and the upcoming "Live Free or Die"

Or here:

"It looked like a grenade had gone off," he said. "There was garbage everywhere. There were glasses smashed in the kitchen and standing water in the clogged tub with flies hovering over it. "That girl needs help," said Rapaport, whose films include "Dr. Dolittle 2" and the direct to video "Paper Soldiers"

I don't know why this is amusing me.

via totc

5. A monkey could do my job...literally
Arizona police dept looking to add a monkey to it's SWAT team.

Weighing only 3 to 9 pounds with tiny humanlike hands and puzzle-solving skills, Truelove said it could unlock doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command. Dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go.

Not to sound completely insensitive (me, insensitive, never!) but what about a midget? They're small, they can unlock doors, and they look awesome in a Kevlar vest. Oh, I just re-read that these monkeys weigh 3-9 lbs...much smaller than a midget. Bring on the monkeys!

via the american mastadon

And now, for a random quote from "The Office" (the good version)

Garreth: That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.
R.

You can do it, put your a** into it

2005-04-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Hey, did anyone hear we have a new Pope? Yeah, it's crazy. He looks a lot like the old Pope...maybe it's like that movie Dave with Kevin Kline, you know where the president dies or something and they replace him with a guy that looks just like him (I think, I never actually saw the movie)? Oh wait, here's the tag line: A lookalike is hired to impersonate the president who has suffered a stroke rendering him a vegetable while having sex with a co-worker. I'm going to hell, for sure this time. Randy doesn't like him b/c he chose the name Benedict XIV...and I have to agree, it sounds evil, doesn't have that friendly ring John Paul did.

Last night I watched American Idol for the 3rd time this season. It's easy to remember some of their names even when I don't watch on a regular or semi-regular basis...Bo Bice...Constatine...Anwar...what happened to people named Sarah or Joe (or Kelly)? Can they not sing? Do they not deserve the adolation of thousands of tv viewers? I digress...but the funniest thing happened during the show last night. So I'm ironing some clothes (the ritual of an anal retentive person) listening to Constantine belt out some unknown disco song, then he goes to Seacrest to have Simon berate him when Ashley shouts "Constatine's huge!" I don't really look up right away...I'm thinking she means huge as in he has a lot of fans and she's referring to the many signs littering the audience until I look at the tv and see him next to R.S. and he's literally towering over him....and not just that, but even his head looked enormous....like he had been digitally inserted into the shot and the proportions weren't accurate. Maybe I was shocked b/c I think Constantine looks like Gary Sinise, so like Gary, I pictured him being small...or in a wheelchair with no legs. I wish I could find a photo to show everyone, b/c I laughed my a** off. It may not sound that funny written out, but trust me, it was.

Yesterday I sent an email to my girlfriends to see if anyone would be interested in going dancing on Saturday, thinking maybe a few people might be interested, but today I get to work and almost every single person has emailed me saying they're in. Sometimes it hurts being this popular. I haven't been dancing in forever, it's about time (and I mean really dancing, not drunk dancing at a party w/ two other people). And I don't mean the kind of dancing where you're there and suddenly you feel this presence behind you (insert Jaws theme here), then next thing you know someone is grinding on your a** and you don't even know who it is, you try to move away, but they just keep moving forward, until finally you turn around and are utterly horrified by what you see, and now you know why he chose to come at you from behind. Nope, not that kind either.
R.

Honestly, I have no idea what you were saying. All I'm interested in is petroleum.

2005-04-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

I'm cranky. Not just today, but always. What will I be like when I'm 80? B/c I already act like the old lady across the street who shakes her fist at those damn kids who ride their bikes too fast down the sidewalk. Except my "kids" are clients who call and ask stupid questions (or completely appropriate questions at inopportune times, like when I don't feel like talking). Or they're that inept sales girl who takes too long ringing me up, causing me to transform in the image of my mother from when I was 8. Please, I shouldn't even wonder b/c I won't make it to 80, I'll have a heart attack from stressing over what I should eat for dinner before I'm 30. I hope I'm kidding.

I thought about something as I was drifting off to sleep last night...I have no idea what it was but I feel like it was important. And now that fuzzy thought will just hang out it my brain all day, causing me to continuosly think I'm forgetting something when what I'm really trying to do is remember. It's going to drive me crazy.

So yesterday I'm talking to my mom when she asks "So how was your date?". And I'm thinking, "What date?" when I realize she's referring to this date (or THE date, I can call it that, or maybe Date 2005, b/c it's the only one) that I told her I was going on over a month ago. I told my mom about a date, b/c I was that excited. Like a child who'd scored an "A" on her spelling test...."Mommy Mommy a boy asked me out and he's really cute and really nice and I'm super excited!" And I was super excited. I told anyone who would listen about this guy I'd met. But that, my friends, was a big mistake. First, I worried he wouldn't call b/c that's what I do. I do this b/c sometimes they don't call. A lot of times they don't call. And I rationalize that it can't be me b/c they don't know me so how would they already know they don't like me, right? And why, I ask you, beg of you, why do they waste the time, even if it's less than 30 secs, getting your number if they're not going to call??? I don't get it. Honestly, I swear I mean honestly, I'd rather them say to me "It's been nice talking to you, but I don't think I want to see you again, have a good night" rather than "Yeah, I'll call you". B/c from this rambling nonsense you can piece together that I'm a little obsessive, so that call will take up a lot of my concentration. And I'll hate myself for being "that" girl...like someone out of a mystery date board game. Okay, let me get back on track. So yes, he did call, we went out, and had what I considered best date ever, mainly b/c I wasn't nervous as I usually am which causes me for some reason to say things I don't even mean. I'll lie, just make up things about myself, it's quite strange. So this date, I was completely at ease, we're laughing, talking, never an awkward moment until....so we're at my apt, taking quizes in some Nickelodeon Kids magazine (don't ask) when he does the "I'm tired" arm stretch, gets up, and I escort him to the door (two feet away) and I'm thinking this is the part where we kiss goodnight, you know the part I speak of, when he says, and I directly quote: "Reagan, dude, give me a call, we should hang out sometime." And I think he might have chucked me on the arm, but I also might be imagining that b/c that seems like something you would do when you say something like that. The end. But there's more...not of the date, but more I want to say. I wonder, does me getting excited about something, can I really be jinxing myself? Or is it just my idea that anytime you're feeling really good about anything, something will come along to knock you down? Or maybe it's the previous sentence, that attitude that causes things to go sour. Can the way a person thinks about a situation really affect it's outcome? Like inner karma? I always worry about this, but even if you try to control the way you think, you're still suppressing the original thought, which is already out there, it already exists, and you can't take it back. So if I hadn't told everyone I knew (incl all friends, coworkers, strangers on the street) that I'd had this date, would things have turned out differently? Probably not, but I wouldn't have had to block everyone on IM the next day b/c I didn't want to talk about it. I'm a baby.

I have to work now.
R.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

2005-04-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

What am I going to do with it? I'm going to write a blog. And do very little else.

So after saying for week(s) "I kind of want to see Fever Pitch" (in that ashamed sort of tone, where you don't make direct eye contact with the other person, you just wait to hear their response and hope they don't judge you) I finally saw it this weekend and I...loved...it. I don't normally go for romantic comedies, they don't really make me feel warm and fuzzy inside like I think they're supposed to, but this one really hit me right here (pointing to heart). Okay, not really...but I thought Jimmy Fallon was adorable in it...and not that Saturday Night Live "adorable" (aka want to punch him in the face annoying). But genuine. And Drew Barrymore, who I usually detest b/c she's the worst actress ever and it's like no one has the heart to tell her, wasn't as bad as usual. I'm not trying to analyze something that frankly doesn't warrant analyzation, but the movie made me smile. Can't I like something for that reason alone? (Why am I getting defensive? I can sense your judgement...) At one point, the audience (including myself, god help me) elicited a collective "Aaahhhhhh". And...and I even clapped at the end. Oh my god...what is happening to me??? Next thing you know, I'll be writing that A Lot Like Love was the feel good movie of the year. I need to rewatch Sin City, stat.

I had a series of celebrity sightings this weekend, a rarity since the only chance I really have of celeb spotting would be if they walked up to my door on their own volition. Meaning I don't really go anywhere they like to hang out, if you didn't get that. First, I saw Danny Masterson, Chris Masterson, and Donna (real names escapes me) on Friday night. I wonder if Danny finds it difficult trying to look so cool all the time..always with that look of "I could give a f*ck". What about a little smile, huh Danny? Why so down? And then I saw Mandy Moore on Saturday (apparantly the day after her birthday...I guess my invitation was lost in the mail...I just made that up, aren't I clever?). That Mandy, she's quite pretty, if you've ever noticed. Why do I even care that I saw these people? It's not like I talked to them...and you know what else, who cares if I did? They're just people, they don't have superpowers (b/c that would warrant bragging). I actually get pissed at myself that I care. Then I tell people that I saw so and so as if there's anything to tell. It's not even a story, it's a sentence, barely. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wouldn't fight it...I should just subscribe to In Touch and get it over with.
R.

Who are you? Whoever you want me to be

2005-04-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

No, you can't have a pony. Thanks Kerry...I keep going back to this picture and laughing.

So, who's with me that The O.C. is so much better with the addition of Ryan's brother to mix things up a bit? I have to admit, I have a minor crush on Trey. Maybe it's his ability to go back and forth b/w bad boy fresh out of prison and O.C. material (Ryan beginning season 1 vs. Ryan now) so effortlessly. I hate when shows fall into what I like to term the "Saved by the Bell" trap. What is this trap I speak of, you're wondering? You're dying to know, I can almost picture you sitting there on the edge of your subpar rolling chair, anticipating what I'm going to say next. So here it is, the trap (I'm not breaking new ground here, I'm stating the obvious): when the main characters of a show only hang out with each other, never socializing with anyone else in school...much like Zack, Kelly, Lisa, Slater, Jessie, and Screech, hence the clever name. Other than the occasional person lucky enough to infiltrate their tight knit group (anyone remember Violet?) anything and everything they did, be it school dances, talking in the hallway, a "Say No to Drugs" video....it was only the 6 of them, and maybe some background extras nodding their heads in agreement to anything to come out of the mouths of the main 6. They even only dated each other (remember that one episode Zack and Lisa dated? Screech was so pissed). Okay, I'm just rambling...but why can't The O.C. have Seth, Summer, Marisa, and Ryan hang out with other people? Why don't they have other friends? It's like their allowed 1 new friend at a time...first Anna, then Oliver, then Zack, then Lindsay (I'm sure I'm forgetting someone...I apologize to that actor/actress, but it's not my fault they weren't memorable). So last night's episode...it's just so unbelievable (and The O.C. represents the highest eschalon of believability) that Marisa would decide to have a party and all those people would show up...they don't talk to anyone! Who did they tell? But my whole point for this (initially) was that it took a little Trey to mix things up...to get the party started if you will. Maybe this will lead to other parties, with other co stars (dead girl) and the fantastic four actually talking to people other people. Or maybe Trey will get sucked into their sick and twisted little circle of unfun, start dating Marisa, and leave the show for any number of reasons in a few episodes. I can tell you this much...I miss him already.

Oh, and by the way....Adam Brody hasn't been cute and/or funny since midway through season 1. Ladies, it's time to face facts- he's just annoying.
R.

Lies and the lying liars who tell them

2005-04-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

This is why I hate reading beauty/fashion magazines...I just wrote to my friend: "no matter what i do, my body will never look like these girls, airbrushed or not". And now I've come across an ad for Anew Clinical Lift and Tuck..."proven to tuck the tummy and lift the rear in just four weeks". Are you kidding me? That's such bullsh*t and I would prove them wrong if I actually had money to buy something that won't work. I would be like one of those investigative journalists, exposing the fraudulent companies w/in beauty industry one product at a time. Like a modern day Maggie Seaver (I'm like Rory freakin' Gilmore w/ my obscure references...of Growing Pains). But maybe we want to be lied to, so we can do these simple things and think that in some way we're bettering ourselves. Personally, I've fallen into the trap...many, many times (damn you epilstop!)

I just read a quote by Cameron Diaz stating: "I am a woman who has to work for the curves I desire". Okay, I admit it, this is most likely the result of jealousy, but curves? Cameron has the body of a 12 year old boy Ken doll...just because you put your hand on your pseudo hip doesn't mean there's actually anything there.

I can't even imagine, even if I try really really hard, buying a dress that costs $2,145. Maybe it'd be easier to imagine it if I actually had that kind of money..but really, I'm going to sit on my moral (albeit poor) high horse and say people who spend that kind of money on clothes are bad human beings, they should be feeding the poor instead. Like me, I really need groceries.

The front of this magazine touts "150 + best looks for every body- tall, short, thin, curvy, & pregnant." What this really means is lots of pictures of models, actresses, a pregnant ballerina (not one of those gross pregant women, ew!), and Queen Latifah. Seriously, can you give me something to work with here? Even Drew Barrymore on the cover looks slightly emaciated, can't you throw in maybe a picture of Christina Ricci from 5 years ago? Why is it that our only choices are plus size or size 0? Where's my f*cking happy medium?
R.

PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?

2005-04-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Smoosh (via golden fiddle)
This band opened for Rilo Kiley on Halloween and they were awesome (like totally rad you guys). It almost hurts when two kids who's ages combined don't equal yours are that much more talented than you. If only I'd stuck to those piano lessons...or drum lessons...or actually learned to play the french horn in 7th grade rather than just pretending to blow into it and moving my fingers over the buttons sporadically...

And speaking of untalented (nice segue Reagan...hey, thanks!) my office is in an uproar that this Scott guy (I'm pretending like I don't know who he is...but I do...I deemed him the retarded chipmunk in previous posts) didn't get kicked off American Idol. The horror! They didn't get this worked up over the Schiavo case.

A Tribute to the Greatest TV Themes (via Daily Roundup via TOTC)
I used to have a cd with like 50 tv theme songs...I was a fan of Laverne & Shirley, especially the beginning b/c I had no idea what they were saying and I just made it up:
"Shameal, Shemazel, Hark n' Flark Incorporated"
And here are the actual lyrics (I wasn't that off):
"Schemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated"
Also, it shows that Greg Evigan will be singing the theme to BJ & the Bear and My Two Dads (if you don't remember, he was the not uptight dad on the show aka "the cool one"). To this day I have to wonder...who was the real dad??? They had the episode where they did a paternity test but then didn't open the results b/c the lesson was that it didn't really matter b/c they both loved her equally. But c'mon, you would want to know (so you could figure out who to love more)...I mean they have entire tv movies and episodes of Ricki Lake about finding the real father. And I had the biggest crush on Chad Allen...who I'm pretty sure is gay now (but in someway, he's always known). Okay, just checked out his website, gayness affirmed. I suppose I should have spent more of my efforts fantasizing about Giovanni Ribisi.

Don't you just love how every celebrity has a drug problem? (even Chad Allen!) I guess it comes with the territory, that territory being low self-esteem and the need to be loved. But Joaquin Phoenix? While I'm not THAT surprised (or surprised at all, didn't bat an eyelash), you'd think someone who watched his brother OD on the sidewalk would have more sense. I mean, that had to have been like the live version of Scared Straight. I guess being an addict isn't that bad b/c other than death or some embarassing photos, what's the worst that can happen? You're even rewarded with a 30 day getaway to Promises- the parties aren't that great but the spa is incredible!

I'm too lazy to look around for news stories, so I'm just going to comment on things from imdb news...

"Jackson keen to show off his skills on the stand"
Like the moonwalk? (so witty, so freakin' witty)

That's it.
R.

wakka wakka wakka

2005-04-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

I just took an online IQ test...133. I'm a freakin' genius (I'm sure you've known this for a while, I mean have you read my posts? Modesty is for losers.)

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

The website also offers other tests, such as "What breed of dog are you at work?" (Border collie...means absolutely nothing seeing as how I don't know anything about dogs) "Who's your movie star double?"(Cameron Diaz...what the f*ck???) and "What's your email personality?" (Joker...and next to my result was a picture of an envelope saying "wakka! wakka! wakka!" b/c I often say that, just to get a rise out of people)

It's been awhile since I've posted anything about Brendan Frasier (by awhile I mean never) but here's something intentionally (or maybe unintentionally...I can't tell and that's what fascinates me) funny he said but instead of me laughing with him I'm totally laughing at him b/c it's not funny at all and it's weird...the type of comment to illicit no response whatsoever b/c no one would know what to say to that...I picture the interviewer sitting there uncomfortabley for a moment then asking "What was it like working with Pauly Shore?"...anything to change the topic:

Fraser makes the ill-advised quip in the current issue of America's Elle magazine, declaring he's keen to become a young grandfather. In the question-and-answer interview, Fraser is asked what advice about women he plans to impart on his sons Griffin and Holden and he says, "Listen to women... and please put a little pinhole in the condom, because we want to be grandparents sooner rather than later."

Hey, did anyone hear that Britney Spears is pregnant? What...I'm the first person to say anything about this? OMG...that is so exciting.
R.

Metaphors- ideas that tickle your mind

2005-04-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've said this explicitly or if you can tell simply by my overuse, but I like metaphors. Similes are okay, if that's what you're in to (I dabbled in similes in the 4th grade), but metaphors, they're just so f*cking clever and they can make you say, "Wow, I never thought of it like that. That's deep" when in reality it's pretty damn obvious but just dressed up in fancy wording. I wish I had a metaphor for metaphors, but that would probably cause the universe to implode from rhetoric overkill. Yeah...so my point for all of this- metaphor abuse. It's a serious issue that's hasn't been addressed quite enough, but I've recently located the first offender (not first ever, just first since I started thinking about metaphors)- Stephanie Klein.
You worry if it’s broken, but aren’t sure yet, the way you feel when you’ve just dropped your cell phone. You look at it carefully, turn it on, and for a minute you hold your breath. Relationships just take longer to turn on. Mostly, I'm turning blue, searching for an oxygen hit.
Ms. Klein, I ask that you slowly step away from the metaphor. You have the right to remain silent. Any figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another, thus making an implicit comparison will be used against you.

Last night I went to Acapulco for Maryn's bday. The end.

I emailed my mom to ask for money for the Improv class b/c I was too scared to call her and ask her b/c I have no backbone. But she politely ignored my email. Really, what did I expect? Who wants to not only support their child until their 18, then put them through college, then loan them money every few months when they run out b/c they earn pauper wages, then after all of that, fork over money so they can go play in an Improv class. Apparantly, not my mom.

Isn't it sad when you see a friend that you haven't seen in a while and they ask you what you've been up to and your answer is "Nothing"? Or if not nothing, it's "Working". In reality, no one really wants to hear what you've been doing...if I would start listing everything I'd done for the past month of weekends, would the other person really care? I know I wouldn't want to hear that...just tell me you're not completely miserable and I'll be on my way. But then you're left with nothing to say...after you establish that you've both been "good" where do you go from there? It's all so complicated. Maybe notecards wouldn't be a bad idea, with a series of topics- "How do you feel about healthcare reform?" or "What is your stance on Yes, Dear- should it be cancelled?" Then you're never left with an awkward moment. I'm brilliant!
R.

Oh, here's a fun fact... you made out with your sister, man!

2005-04-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

This morning did not start out so well. Not at all. I got to work early b/c the only parking spot I could find was in a no parking 9-11 street cleaning zone which means obviously I had to leave by 9 which is about 20 mins earlier than I normally leave. Doesn't sound like a lot, but it pretty much eliminated any snoozing. And I love to snooze...I once hit the snooze button every 10 minutes for 2 hours, true story. Skipping ahead...so I'm at work and my boss comes in and I get this phone call from some random woman who is of absolutely no importance whatsoever and my boss starts asking me a million questions about who she is and why she called and blah blah blah and I finally just snap at her which doesn't go over so well so she starts yelling at me and I get pissed off and march to the kitchen and chunk my Frappucino bottle into the trash can in a huff and another coworker sees me and gives me an uncomfortable look, like the look you give a crazy person, and I go back to my desk and email Ashley "---- is such a goddamned b*tch" and then after her response of "Why?" I tell her the story and even though I can't see her she might be giving me the same look the coworker from the kitchen gaveme. But now everything is okay b/c we've gotten over it and we're talking again after she made a joke to me to break the tension. Not like a setup/delivery type of joke, she didn't begin with "Have you heard the one about..." but a comment on another coworker kind of joke, b/c those are the funniest, the ones where you make fun of someone else, they bring people together. But I gave her the silent treatement for at least 10 minutes so now she's knows what's up...don't f*ck with me or I'll ignore you. But you won't really know it b/c I'm in another room so you can't actually see me ignoring you. The end.

I feel like crap today, my reasons being 3 fold:
1. I ate so much crap yesterday and just feel fat and gross. I was hungover and just threw caution to the wind....meaning, I ate an entire pizza (in my defense, it wasn't that big but I did follow it up with a bag of chips).
2. I missed an appointment this morning but I can't remember what it was for. I just know I had something on the morning of the 11th. So now I can't even reschedule.
3. I'm tired.

I watched Eurotrip on Friday and it was really f*cking hilarious. Except for the last quarter, didn't really care for it, had this whole Pope is dead storyline that probably wouldn't have been funny even if the Pope hadn't just died. But it did have my new crush in it, Scott Mechlowicz. Yummy.

I'm feeling regretful today. I get this way anytime I have a ridiculously drunken night. Am I sensing a pattern here? That's two weekends in a row, and I always feel like sh*t, not just b/c I spend one of my weekend days hungover and laying around on the couch but b/c I just feel this guilt and I can't really explain it. It's like moving backwards, that's what it feels like. Shouldn't I be over that phase of my life? Ugh...I'm going to stop thinking about this. On a positive note, I did wake up early on Saturday to go hiking. And then I got my haircut and didn't mind even though it took two hours and then I had a mini facial and it was the best thing ever and then I went shopping...so it was a great day.

I went to the free improv class on Sunday and now more than anything I wish I could afford to take classes. I had so much fun and even though I pretty much sucked, I didn't care. I have to tell you, at one point I said the most inappropriate thing and the entire class went "Ohhhhh" you know the sound, right? So this other girl sets up the scene with us being at Micheal Jackson's house and we say a few stupid things to each other then she says "Why are you here?" and I reply "I have cancer and Micheal invited me to his Neverland Ranch." So bad, so bad...I deserved that "Ohhhhh". I just walked off the stage after that.

I watched Grey's Anatomy last night, thanks to it's convenient post-Desperate Housewives time slot and while I like the characters, there's just something that's off about it that I can't quite put my finger on. James said it's lazy writing and I have to agree. At one point in the show after they'd taken this guy's organs out for donation this one girl says "I'm going to sew him up, for his family." Really...you mean you're not just going to leave him lying there w/ his guts hanging out? Thanks for stating the obvious...but it's not b/c you're such a caring doctor, b/c you were so affected by this case , it's b/c you don't leave bodies lying around with their stomachs wide open. Seriously.
R.

I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!

2005-04-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

My list of top ten greatest movie scenes that I can think of right now:

1. Almost Famous- Penny Lane OD's on qualudes
"I'm about to go where many men have gone before."
I just watched this movie last night...I love it love it love it. My friend who watched it with me (his first time) said "I think that may have been better than Jerry Maguire." Well, yeah...obviously. And while I have many "favorite" parts, my most favorite is when William chases Penny back to the hotel through the street filled with cabs while Elton John's "Mona Lisa" plays then finds her hopped up on qualudes in the hotel room. It's just perfect, especially Kate Hudson's response of "I'm awake" everytime William shouts "Wake up." It's so subtle, so wonderful. When she says "Why doesn't he love me?" it breaks my f*cking heart. Then...then the hotel doctor comes to pump Penny's stomach as "Mon Cherie Amour" plays with perfect irony. God, it's so good.

2. My Own Private Idaho- Campfire Scene
"I love you, and you don't pay me. "
The only thing I really like about this movie is River Phoenix and his best moment is at the campfire with Keanu Reeves who just sucks (no intended reference to movie's subject matter) no matter how hard he tries (bless his damn heart). Just watching that scene, which I watched twice in a row, it's that good, it made me remember how great of an actor River was, in this and Running on Empty, it made me think of that too.

Scott Favor: I only have sex with a guy for money.
Mike Waters: Yeah, I know.
Scott Favor: And two guys can't love each other.
Mike Waters: Yeah.
Mike Waters: Well, I don't know. I mean... I mean, for me, I could love someone even if I, you know, wasn't paid for it... I love you, and... you don't pay me.
Scott Favor: Mike...
Mike Waters: I really wanna kiss you, man... Well goodnight, man... I love you though... You know that... I do love you.

3. Closer- Clive & Natalie at the strip club
"My name is Jane Jones"
It's a toss up for who's sexier in this scene. I mean, sure there are things I want to do to Clive Owen that I can't type here, there may be children reading (I'm really popular amongst the 12 year old demographic). And Natalie, I envy her beauty, she's so hot in this movie, I looked at my a** in the mirror afterwards and it looks nothing like hers. For that, I want to hate f*ck her.

4. Rushmore- Dinner scene
"I wrote a hit play. And I'm in love with you."
This is my favorite movie ever. When people ask me "What 's your favorite movie" I say "Rushmore". Get it...I like the movie. And this scene is what initially peeked my interest, it's the following interaction from the preview that I found so hilarious I dragged my friends to see the movie, despite their pleas to see "Cruel Intentions" instead. They later thanked me for this.

Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer: Oh, are they?

5. Wet Hot American Summer- Trip to town
"It's always great to get away from camp, even if only for an hour."
I laughed my a** off at this scene...the smoking...pushing the old lady...the drugs...everything, hilarious.

And here's a random quote from some other scene in the movie:
"Oh yeah, there's some kids caught in the obstacle course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday."

6. Crossroads- Britney Spears & Dan Ackroyd's father/daughter moment
"I'm the valedictorian."
I've never laughed as hard in my entire life when Britney delivered this line. Funny. as. hell. Plus, watching Dan Ackroyd hit a career low, that was funny too. I saw this film in Austin as part of the "Mr. Sinus Theater 3000" series and my favorite quote from them was whenever the pregnant friend said "You can be my back up singers" referring to some singing competition, one of the Mr. Sinus guys said "B*tch, do you know who I am" and the look of Britney's face at that moment was priceless. It was like a deer in headlights. Watching her act, so great. I don't know if that's funny if you weren't there, but that's what a lot of my humor is like anyway.

7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- Mark Ruffalo dancing on the bed in his undies
No quote...just the mental image.
I just have such a crush on him in this movie, maybe it's the glasses, maybe it's that he's them most adorable person to walk this earth, like a bunny in human form. The only thing I would have changed would be if instead of him dancing with Kirsten Dunst he would have punched her in the face.

8. Thirteen- Evan Rachel Wood's breakdown at the end
"Don't call me a slut. MOM! MASON JUST CALLED ME A SLUT! "
I still think she should have been nominated for best actress. I mean, I'm thinking about it right now, I don't think about it daily, I don't wake up thinking "God, why wasn't she nominated!" It's not like I'm obsessed or anything. But yeah...even though I wasn't anything like Tracy when I was 13 in the social aspect, I was completely like her in my relationship w/ my mother (universal themes, pay attention). Every time my mom would say "How was your day?" I'd respond with as much attitude as I could muster "Fine!". I was such a goddamn brat. I'm pretty sure my mom regretted having me b/w the ages of 13-18. She might say she didn't, but I know the truth.

9. Walking and Talking- Anne Heche & Catherine Keener talking about the wedding (can't specify which moment, but I think they're in someone's kitchen)
"Do we really have to listen to this vagina music all the way there?"
This movie is my relationship with Ashley...Ashley is Anne Heche (without the lesbian phase, though there was that one day...) and I'm Catherine. It's just exactly the way I can picture it when Ashley gets engaged (b/c she will be first and I'm okay with that b/c I'm not sure if I even want to get married I might just be fine meeting someone and living in sin until it gets boring or we start hating each other) I lost track after that aside. Oh...I can see me getting jealous of Ashley b/c I'm losing her to this other person b/c these are things I've already felt, b/c it really is that saddest thing when you realize you're no longer the person she comes to w/ everything. But you move on and you accept this. But the scene where Catherine says "All this time you've been talking about how you feel and nobody's asked me how I feel." That's not exact, but it's something like that. Something I would say, making it about me and not her. And the movie's got a great soundtrack by Billy Bragg.

10. Police Academy 1: Any scene
"Sleeping is for fags."
Basically, I can't think of anything else right now. Gotta love Steve Guttenberg.

How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?

2005-04-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

Check out today's post from Alex. It is what spurred my desire to write the following. That and boredom, my usual instigator. He's inspirational that Alex...a bit like Jesus, but w/out the beard or fondness for swaddling clothes. I just find him so f*cking hilarious (am I blog stalking?)

And now I've lost the urge to write whatever I was going to write...I left my computer for too long (5 minutes). It was going to be some reflection on high school, or newsletters, or Christians, something really gay most likely. Nothing sentimental, I wasn't going to post a forward that lists all the things that are great about friends then have you scroll down to find an angel created out of binary numbers. Nope, wouldn't do that. And my coworker just asked me to hold (not watch, literally hold in my arms) her baby while she went into a meeting and I responded like a bratty 15 year old "Well, I can't really do any work if I'm holding a baby"...and then I think I huffed, as to say "you idiot" or "duh". And another coworker jumps in with "You can hold her with one hand" and I snap back with "Not if you don't like holding babies, I can't even hold it with two hands" and now as I type this I realize that I just called the baby an "it" and I do that often b/c frankly they're all "its" until you don't need a pink or blue jumper to be able to tell what if it's a girl or a boy. I'm going to put mine in yellow, confuse the hell out of everyone.

What the hell is froogle? Just randomly found it at the top of the page when I went to google something.

In going back to thinking of high school (my intial reason for even writing anything) I went to classmates.com but you have to register and even though I have all this free time I'm too lazy to do it. I hear all the gossip I need through the grapevine, benefits of having gone to a small school. But I want to know what that random person who sat behind me in English is up to...whose name I don't know but mabye if I just looked around a bit I would find it. There would be absolutely no point to it, I wouldn't contact him/her, no one would care if I told them b/c they don't know him/her, but at least I could say to myself "Hmm, well there you go."
R.

French kissing in the USA

2005-04-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Being pretentious isn't easy
Pop icon Madonna struggles to understand her two young children properly, because they speak to each other in French.
Random...but made me laugh. As if renaming yourself "Esther" and relocating to England weren't enough, now you're kids think they're better than you.

I'm sick of answering the goddamn phones for someone else (unfortunately, this is 75% of my job...it's unavoidable). Why do I have to pick up the phone first...why, when you know you want to talk to that person and they're not calling for me, they would never be calling for me, do I still have to pick it up just to say "Hold one moment"? It's a waste of my time, it's a waste of the caller's time, and frankly, it's really f*cking annoying.

Okay, I know it's sad the Pope died (But is it? Isn't this what he always wanted? Isn't this what his life's work has been leading up to?), b/c even though I didn't worship him, millions did and I respect that, and blah blah blah. But hours upon hours of reports on CNN? What, are there going to be updates? If you're thinking "Reagan, why don't you change the channel" it's b/c I can't...it's on the tv at the gym and I always end up in front of the one w/ CNN and I'm too much of a chicken sh*t to ask to change it. So there you go...but it's just that poor Monaco lost it's Prince and the Pope completely stole his moment. Example: Flags, already lowered out of respect for Pope John Paul II, remained at half-staff. So he has to share his half staff w/ the Pope...that's not fair. Can't they do something else for Prince Rainier...maybe turn on various office lights in a tall bldg to create the image of his face? At the very least, it would look cool.

Citysearch just got smug w/ me...I'm trying to look up Paramour Hilltop Estate and it wrote back to me: We assumed you meant Paramount, instead of paramour. Hey f*ckwit, I can spell. Now just give me Paramour and I'll be on my way. I can't find a website for this thing anywhere (but I have only been looking for 2 minutes). The thing is...it's not even for me. It's for my boss's (how do you write that...I hate having to add the possesive to things that end in "s"...like the name Chris) wedding. Poof, I'm a wedding planner.
R.

What an excellent day for an exorcism

2005-04-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Ashley, I'm with you....I had no idea these two crazy kids were dating, much less procreating. Have to say, I would have stuck it out w/ Watts. She's older and probably less fertile. Nevertheless...all the proof you need that Williams is preggers is right here: Michelle has taken to wearing loose clothing whenever she's out and about. Of course, she must be with child! If that means your pregant, then I wonder what people thought when I went through my "I'm too fat to wear clothes that fit" phase. 8th grade really sucked. (Second time today I've made a comment about my weight..like I'm Harry freakin' Knowles behind the computer- but I'm not)

One of my co-workers brings her baby to work everyday, b/c that's just how casual our office is. Reagan, you can wear flip flops, and you, why don't you bring that 7 week old child to the office. Don't get me wrong, she's cute, you know, for a baby, but if I have to hear "Pop goes the weasel" or "Bingo" one more time, my head will most definitely explode. Or at the very least, my ears will start bleeding. Over and over and over those songs, along with some others equally annoying yet less recognizable, play to my utter aggravation. And to top it off, we went to the Gap during lunch today where, after it's daily feeding (I guess not daily, but I don't know how many times you feed a baby) it projectile vomited all over my co-worker, just barely avoiding the tank top table. I mean, we're talking Exorcist style....I was waiting for it's head to spin. The Gap employees were none too pleased, especially when they saw the mess this child of less than 7 lbs had made. They shook their heads at me, like I was the one who had actually puked and was trying to pass it off on the child. Not the case, but wouldn't have been a bad move if it were.
R.

A hardtop with a decent engine and make sure it's got a big trunk

2005-04-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

I just calculated my body fat percentage...27 %. According to the yahoo health page (I was just trying to get to my email and took a wrong turn), my perecentage, the whopping two seven, "indicates you may be carrying more fat than you should". Thanks yahoo...thanks for making me feel fat.

So I finally saw Sin City last night and it. was. awesome. I get so tense at gory movies even though I really don't mind the blood and guts aspect, but for some reason I grit my teeth the entire time and today my jaw is really sore (insert joke here). And I keep instinctually going back to gritting my teeth, even as I'm typing this right now. And that's all I'm going to say about it...oh, and I want to f*ck Clive Owen. Something fierce.

I'm taking a free improv class at Improv Olympic on Sunday and I'm nervous for two reasons: 1) I'm going to a birthday party the night before and knowing me I'll get pissed (I'm British now...this means drunk) and have a near death hangover the next day and 2) I suck at improv. I dabbled in improv in high school, mainly in theater competitions (it almost hurt writing that phrase, I truly am uncool) and I just remember this one time, I don't even know what the set up was but at one point I said "I have a red dress and it's....red" and everyone just kind of stopped talking and if there had been a record playing in the background it would have scratched. But luckily we came through and in the end we took home first prize! Not really, we lost. And to this day, I blame myself.

So there's all this gossip going around that the Desperate Housewives are at war...that sh*t went down at the Vanity Fair shoot...and what, I'm sure you're wondering, is my reaction to all of this: complete lack of surprise. Of course they hate each other. They each have their agents, managers, publicists, the viewing public, stroking their egos, telling them constantly how wonderful they are, how they're worth this much (holding arms open really wide), and how much better they are than the other housewives. Case in point, EW's "Who's your favorite Housewife pole"....do you think maybe Felicity Huffman was a little pissed Teri Hatcher beat her by a landslide? Maybe Nicolette cried in the arms of her new fiance about how only 20 % (not in any way accurate, just a random number) of America likes her the best. I'm personally a Lynette fan, but that's neither here nor there. You just can't fit that much ego into one show. Maybe the ego of 3, maybe 4 women...but 5, c'mon. Plus I heard Teri Hatcher's a b*tch. From someone who knows first hand. Breaking news, via gloryfades.
R.

You're so f*cking....right

2005-04-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I get the urge to be one of those people who is the first to post something...or even someone who posts things other people might find interesting. But after searching for maybe 10 mins at the most, I give up and just post things you could easily find somewhere else w/ more interesting commentary...and better graphics.

Hot Hot Heat "Goodnight Goodnight" video
I have a crush on this band. I just think they sound cute. Not attractive, more like adorable. Like I want to put them in my pocket and carry them around, then when I'm eating lunch or getting a cup of coffee, I take them out and set them on the table and they can play a song for me. Yeah, like that. I particularly fancy the lead singer but only when he's singing in the video...in still shots, not so much. So that's my take on it.

The Book of Liz
Ashley and I are getting tickets to this b/c we love David Sedaris...and Amy too, b/c she's related to him. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw a play. That I wanted to see, not one that I said "Sure, I'll go see your play" then afterwards "Yeah, that was really good" even though I'd spent the entire time staring at the fire exit in hopes that someone really would yell "Fire" in a theater. You're never supposed to do that, you know.

Working at being cool is never cool
This is old, b/c I've had the magazine for 2 weeks and Stereogum posted it like 2 weeks ago...but it's just so accurate.

Oh Starbucks, you're so damn indie
Starbucks to sell cds by up-and-coming rock group Antigone Rising. Snap judgement: I don't like them. Maybe it's this quote from their bio: ...five women whose Lava debut, Act I, hits that place in your heart that Springsteen, U2, Aerosmith, and the greatest of the great bands reached in their young and hungry days. Really, what did/do I expect- I don't usually look to Starbucks to attune my musical taste. Even so...

"Choke"
Keep it, Keep all of your madness
drown in all your sadness
Choke on all your pain
cause I don't want to
Keep it, keep all of your sorrow
suffer through tomorrow
choke on all your shame

Rhyming is awesome! Watch your back Ashlee Simpson, b/c AG will take you "back to when rock music was a beacon in the dark …to a time when a band and its magic could draw strangers together, in an arena or under a starry sky, and make them feel like family …to a moment of contact -- between artist and fan, between the lonely and the loved -- that will live forever in memory …" A little ambitious, don't you think? Forever? Can't we agree on maybe 15 minutes?

Jamie Foxx
I just find it funny that this article is titled "Foxx plans first album in 11 years." Like someone has been waiting on this...God, I wish Jamie Foxx would release another album! So you know what this means...somewhere out there, probably on the $1 shelf at CD Wherehouse next to the Days of Our Lives Soundtrack or Nelson, there is a Jamie Foxx album just waiting to be rediscovered. Done....that was easy.

People keep trying to talk to me today and frankly, I don't feel like talking. I mean, I don't mind a conversation with a friend over IM or email, but small talk w/ the girl in the office down the hall? I'm not feeling it today. Or ever. Can't we just smile and say hello, every now and then say "Sure is cold today" as we pass each other going to and from the copy room? That's the unwritten contract I have with everyone else, even if sometimes they forget and try to ask me a question that can't be answered with either a yes or a no or a smile or a fake laugh.
R.

Modest Beginnings

2005-04-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

So we'll see if I actually keep this up, but every Monday I'm going to try to do my own edition of what I like to call "Modest Beginnings"....a before they were stars-esque posting. Maybe it will give me something to do with all this free time I have. And it all came about thanks to Emily, who sent me the following submission:

Zach Braff on The Babysitters Club. Is it just me or does he bear a striking resemblance to an elf? (Oh Reagan, you're so mean, did you just call him an elf? No you a** I said he looks like an elf, there's a difference). Below I've posted some fan reactions (though I'm not sure if they're Zach Braff fans or BBC fans...maybe both)

OMG I REMEMBER!! They made the park all nice and @#%$. hashaha. memories.

dude hahah omg me too i totally remember that episode!! he was a @#%$ in it!!

Omg hahaha damn!

Babysitter's Club rocks socks (obvs a BBC fan)

Who is Zach Braff? (another obvs BBC fan)

BBC fans are so @#%$ing awesome.
R.

This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried

2005-04-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of maybe's. Don't placate me...just say yes or no, you know the answer, don't hedge the question. Sure it doesn't sound as nice when a friend IM's me "Want to go to a movie?" and I simply write back "No". But I don't. And there's no reason, just that I don't want to. So why say "maybe" and give that other person a glimmer of hope that they may possibly enjoy the pleasure of my company. I'm not a tease.

I didn't see Sin City this weekend. I feel several emotions as a result of not seeing it: envy, regret, sadness, curiousity, embarassment, etc. Easy solution: See the movie. Major roadblock: No money. Compromise #1: Rob a bank to get the money wearing sunglasses, hat, and trench coat as disguise (except don't have trench coat and can't afford one, hence my inital predicament). Compromise #2: Sneak into the theater through a back door after paying ticket guy $2 in laundry quarters to hold it open for me. Compromise #3: Wait until Friday (aka payday aka best day ever) and pay for movie as a law abiding citizen, feel sense of satisfaction having bought ticket with my hard earned money, and reward myself with the purchase of a soda and possibly popcorn.

So my non Sin City weekend....Friday night went to the previously mentioned Sluts and Studs party...drank my weight in alcohol...danced....kissed a random boy (with my tongue!)...woke up next morning feeling like death if death had been beaten repeatedly with a plastic bat and injected with a lethal dose of the stomach flu...layed on couch all day drifting in and out of consciousness while watching 5 hours (yes, 5 hours) of Bravo's 100 greatest TV characters of all time before falling asleep during the final 10...finally got off my a** at 11 pm to go to friend's bday party where I stayed for an hour, spending most of my time hovering around snack table and listening to some dude talk about how taking away your sense of sight and hearing heightens your sexual experience then responding awkwardly "Well that is interesting"...the end. Sunday did some stuff, not worth mentioning.

Time to work. I do this on occasion.
R.

Don't believe the hype

2005-04-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

It's Friday, thank f*cking god. I'm going to a theme party tonight: Sluts and Studs. I don't have much in the slutty attire department. It's never really been a problem...until now.

50 Most Hated New Yorkers
Some people can be hated on from both sides of the country...

La Lohan #42
What's her encore gonna be? Getting caught having crack smoke blown up her ass on the set of Lassie Y2K5?

The Olsens #34 (congratulations you guys!!!)
Fraternal? Identical? Adorable? How about really fucking scrawny and annoying.

Katie Couric #24
Her reportedly $16 million annual salary isn't what makes Couric loathsome, however. It's her disingenuous toeing of the line between serious journalist and corporate media whore.

Ultragrrl #20
Would some thin-wristed shoe-gazing bass player please hurry up and fuck this girl?

An Oompa Loompa song about Lindsay Lohan from an old daily roundup just popped into my head:

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO
I'VE GOT A PERFECT PUZZLE FOR YOU
OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN ME...

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU USE MYSTIC TAN
SPRAYING ON AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN
WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING ORANGEY-BROWN
DON'T YOU THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TONE IT DOWN

I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH
STOP THIS NOW YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR
YOU ARE NOW A TANOREXIC TOO
LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO

Mischa Barton sunbathing wallpaper. Ooh.

I'm trying to sell my car on craigslist and this one guy keeps emailing me just this:
500?
And I keep replying:
No.
Strange.

Reagan.

Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto

2005-03-31T14:52:00.000-08:00

So this afternoon...slow...as...hell. My leg is tapping a mile a minute under my desk, I think I need a vitamin C shot, stat! Or is it a lack of iron that makes me jumpy? Eh, don't care.

My mind has wandered today, through various topics, most revolving around me and my life, one involving me trying to remember who played the cowboy on Pee Wee's Playhouse (Laurence Fishburne)...and now I've settled on thinking about boys, or men (that in b/w stage, the mid 20's, where I don't feel comfortable referring to them as men yet), or basically the male sex in general. I wonder how it is that we all get our ideas on what constitutes as a "spark". For me, I guess it's good conversation, a slight flirtation, common interests (meaning: my interests), and feeling comfortable. I'm not a hopeless romantic: I don't want flowers b/c flowers die and I'm always too lazy to throw them away so they just sit on my kitchen table for weeks, ugly and dead with their leaves slowly falling off one by one. I like having my car door opened, but sometimes it makes me feel weird. Like it's too formal. I like people paying for me but not out of any sense of tradition but b/c I'm poor and I take anything free I can get. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable, b/c w/ money comes power and I don't want anyone to control me, though I doubt buying me dinner really warrants any control. Affection in general can make me feel awkward, b/c I think you need to really know someone to have genuine intimacy so everything else is a facade. And I'm not a good actress. It's like this feeling I get when I'm riding in a car and everyone is talking and having a good time and laughing and tra la la la la...and at that moment I think back to some drinking and driving commercial and think we're going to crash, even if no one is drinking. Even if it's two on a Sunday. It's the calm before the storm, the moment when everything seems okay then bam- you find yourself wrapped around a tree. So yeah...I guess any happy moment is like that...you're with someone who likes you and you like them then bam- they've met someone else. You think I'm jaded for a reason...not at all. Just a general distrust in everything that has the potential of not going my way. Great attitude, right? So I was saying that I wonder where we get our romantic ideals, must be the movies, b/c that's where we get everything, it's the circle of life. The chicken or the egg. I'm thinking that some guys are a little too into the hetero-sensitive Good Will Hunting and Robin Williams' "I gotta see about a girl" speech. That's what popped into my head. I guess I worry about this love at first sight theory b/c I think of myself as an acquired taste. Maybe I want my quirks to be cute and not annoying and that's not a surface assumption. No one w/o knowing me will think it's cute I bite my nails. So f*cking what? It's a disgusting habit. A turn off. But if you learn that I do it when I get nervous or when I'm bored during a movie then it has meaning. I don't know why I'm going off on this, I'm bored, I'm tired, I need coffee, and I like to think about these things. The unexamined life isn't worth living, I fall back on this anytime I'm feeling over analytical or obsessive. Okay, I'm spent.
R.